[Insert sentence here about being awful at blogging and not keeping up with this blog, and my apologies.]
So I'm taking this class at Messiah (my church) called Revive. It's taught by our life issues paster, Tige, who is an amazing man of God and has demons of his own in his past. On a side note, I think that's part of the reason why God gives us demons to deal with - that way we can relate and help each other through the process. Because if someone is completely unblemished and tries to help you, you get defensive. What does this person know? They've never been through anything. But if they have demons, we know they've felt pain. They've felt loss. And maybe, just maybe, they may be able to feel how we feel. So sometimes it's imperative that life isn't perfect or fair, in order for us to serve each other.
Anyway, Pastor Tige teaches the class, and though it's only five weeks long and we're already three weeks in, I think I've learned a lot. I've been feeling lately like I'm not doing enough for God. I don't think that in the context of since I'm not doing enough I won't get to heaven; I've never thought that way. But that, possibly, my life is too ordinary. It's too comfortable. It's too...generic. I'm not doing enough to advance the kingdom, and while God still loves me, He's a little disappointed. A little upset. Wondering why I'm not doing more.
I don't know if that has to do with the fact that while I was in His House, I did a lot. I mean, A TON. Three mission trips, one overseas, heading up committees, being on the leadership team, everything. And now, not so much. Now, I do volunteer, but it's not at the level I was. And I don't think God thinks there's anything wrong with that deep down; maybe it's that I'm disappointed in myself.
I made a decision, before Greg and I started talking about marriage. We'd just gone on our mission trip to the Dominican Republic, and I felt God tugging at my heart. I learned so much on that trip, and I thought that overseas missions were the best way to serve others. I seriously considered that as my life path. When I talked about it with Greg, he said that he didn't think that's where God was leading him, and that if I made that decision, we'd have to be apart. I still think it was one of the most mature conversations I've had with anyone. At the end of the day, God showed me my place was with Greg. He showed me, through the mission, that although it's a great way to serve God, it wasn't where I was meant to be. And I still stand by that decision.
But sometimes I get so caught up in the everyday, mundane life, I feel like I'm missing something. Like, I should be doing more. And I can't figure out whether or not that stems from my deep need to be "enough" whatever that looks like. I never feel like I'm enough. I'm not good enough, skinny enough, loving enough, serving enough, faithful enough. I'm never enough. And deep in my heart I know God thinks I am, but I don't think I'm doing enough for Him. I struggle with that SO much. How is that ever something I'm going to get over?
I think this class is helping me. It's helping me delve down into the root of those feelings, and I'm hoping it's going to help me let it go. Let go of the hang-ups I've been holding for so long, and live in the freedom Christ offers.
I'm hoping that God shows me, down the road, why I'm going through this phase in my life. I think that He is leading me a certain way, and it doesn't work. But when do you give it up? What if it is what He wants for you? I have struggled with my dream of writing since I was five. Is that what God wants me to do? What should I focus on right now? How can I devote any real time to something when I am working full time? It's so frustrating sometimes the circles my mind follows.
Okay, that last paragraph made no sense at all. Anyway, I was telling Jen at work today that I feel like your late twenties are a re-evaluation period. You're through college, you've been in the workforce for a while, and now it's time to re-evaluate where you are. Do you still like your chosen career path? Has a different opportunity presented itself? Is this where you saw yourself originally, or does it not feel right anymore? Do you want to have children? Where are you financially? All these questions, now that you're more mature to deal with them, must be dealt with. I think I understand why some people have quarter-life crises. :)
I think I'm in a re-evaluation period. I think I need to figure out how to be content with where God has placed me, and trust that if He wanted me to move mountains, He'd put more mountains in my path. I think I need to figure out how to heal myself before I can start truly helping others. And I think my church is a great place to begin.
