First of all, I asked my hubby about it and had three: Pick your battles, don't sweat the small stuff, and pay attention. That's the guy's perspective (short and sweet, like always).
Mine are below:
- Marriage is forever. If you go into it thinking you have an out (divorce), you will inevitably take that out. Know that marriage is hard. It's hard to be with one person for the rest of your life. You both will change, and situations will change, and the people around you will change. If you decide to get married because it's that time, or you don't think you'll find anyone better, or you are pressured into it by family members, it's not for the right reasons, and it will most likely fail. I don't want to be pessimistic here, but realistic. Half of marriages end in divorce; many of them because it got too hard, or someone thought there was something better out there, or communication broke down. There is NO backing out of this if you decide to take the leap. If you get into a fight, take a breather until you both calm down, then work it out. This is forever.
- Marriage is a thousand choices every day. And newsflash: it's the same choice. You have to choose your partner, over and over again, every day. This ties in with the first point but is important enough to be its own.
- Communication is key. If you can't communicate with your partner, you aren't going to make it. I've seen it first hand. Make sure they're your best friend, and you can talk to them about anything. I tell Greg things I've never told anyone else. At our very core, it's the conversations we have that keep us close (along with our faith). Go out on a date, somewhere with no TVs. Talk about your days. Learn about each other. Though I know a lot about him, I'm still learning about my husband. He shows me new sides of him still. And when we fight, sometimes it takes us a while to get to the real issue (because the start of the fight is almost never the real issue). Wait it out. Talk about it. Yell about it if you have to (it works for us). But make sure you choose each other at the end of it. (See Point #2).
- The first year of marriage is the hardest. This one is sort of a cliche, but I found it to be so true. Greg and I lived together a few months before we got married, but for some reason being married changes everything. All of the sudden, all of those habits come out. How do you celebrate Christmas? What traditions from each of your families are you going to keep? Which ones are you going to create for yourselves? Does he mow the lawn and shovel the snow as often as you think it should be done? Does she do the dishes and vacuum, or does the house drive you nuts while she's out gardening? Do either of you have a hobby that takes up a lot of time/money? Do you like mayonnaise and she likes Miracle Whip? All of these questions you find answers to in the first year, and it's very hard to meld together two different styles of life. We had to figure out what works for us and what doesn't. (For instance, Greg shovels/snow blows more often than he'd probably like because that's what I like. I put my shoes away as soon as I get home instead of leaving them next to the door.)
- Pick your battles. This one was one of my husband's and I definitely agree with. Sometimes it's just not worth the fight. Just do the dishes. Just take care of the mail. If you end up fighting about everything, you'll lose that connection that brought you together. Make sure whatever you want to fight about is the hill you want to die on, so to speak. Other times...let it go. If it still bugs you three weeks later, then bring it up. Otherwise, let yourself have a little peace.
- Marry your best friend. Another sort of cliche, but still true. I couldn't imagine my life without Greg, which is part of the reason why I married him. He knows more about me than anyone else. Yes, I have awesome girlfriends who I love dearly, but at the end of the day, he's my best friend. If I had to do something with someone, he'd be my first choice. Having that connection makes sure you don't focus too much on the physical, but on the friendship. The friendship will carry you through.
- Keep working on bettering yourself. As I mentioned above, our fights are rarely about what is first brought up. They are normally more about something that happened to us as kids, or a habit we formed, and it's manifesting itself in our actions. And a lot of times, it takes us a while to understand what's really going on. But use those times to better yourself. Be self-aware enough to know that you're messed up. (Newsflash: everyone is.) Work through those issues that you have. Allow your spouse to help. It can be a very healing exercise, and lets you become the best "you" you can be. Don't lose yourself to your marriage. Always know who you are, and know that you are better together than apart.
- Have other friends. This may seem a little contradictory to #6, but both are important. As much as I love spending time with my husband, if I spent all of my time with him, we'd both drive each other nuts. Having other friends allows us a little break, to be ourselves outside of our marriage, and come back to each other refreshed. You inevitably start becoming like the person you married, so outside influences are helpful to remember who you are.
- Challenge each other. Stagnation is almost never a good thing. Make sure you encourage each other to strive toward goals. Understand what your partner's passion is; help them pursue it. Be each other's biggest cheerleader. This will help you grow closer as a couple and grow individually. Win-Win.
I'm no marriage expert, but these are the things that I've learned (and just a few of them at that). We don't have kids, so none of my lessons revolve around children (though I'm sure if we do, I could have a whole other blog post about it).
What lessons have you learned in marriage? Let me know!
