Because if you think about it, is it truly safer to stay where you are? We like the familiar because it's safe. We know what to expect. But do we? I think sometimes our situations can present even more problems, more unrest, more discontent even as we try to convince ourselves "At least I know what's coming." But do you?
It seems like I know a lot of people (myself included) that are unsure as to their next steps. They know what they're doing isn't what they should be doing, but they're not sure how to change it. Or they have two (or three or four) options and aren't sure which would be best, or which is God's plan. I don't know if it's because I'm turning 30 in a few months or not, but it's something that's been on my heart a lot lately.
I know that "We make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." -Proverbs 16:9 But what if whatever we choose is the best plan? What if God just wants us to decide, then have peace in the decision? What if God's next steps for us is just to change - whatever that might look like?
I feel like I've tried a number of things that I thought was God's plan for me, but they weren't - or at least they weren't at the time. I'm to the point where I'm a little jaded about things. Sometimes I think it'd be easier to go back to being young, naive, and full of dreams - now I feel wiser but also cynical. I'm not sure what is a better combination. The paths that God has taken me down I don't regret, and I've learned a lot about myself in the process.
One of the most important things I've learned is that when I fail, it doesn't mean I'm a failure. My actions have nothing to do with my self-worth. And that's a hard-fought lesson that took me my entire life to learn, because I'm still learning it. My identity is found in Jesus, and that's what I cling to, and that's why I can strike out and try new things - and fail at them. (Looking at you, quilting business and master's degree.)
I wasn't sure I wanted kids. Then we had the miscarriage, and it's changed my outlook on it. I do want kids. I dream about them. I dreamt my miscarriage was a little girl, and I'll never hold her in this life. But maybe that's not what God wants for me. Maybe his plan is different, and kids are just another thing I fail at in order to fall once again at Jesus' feet and let myself be found in Him.
Maybe my success is right around the corner, but maybe it's years away. But I'll never know until I decide to change something. My pastor has a great saying: "If nothing changes, nothing changes." I can't do the same thing and expect different results. I must put myself out there (again) and try something new. It might be the best thing I could ever do. It might be a crash and burn terrible failure. But I'll never know unless I try, and I know that, in the end, God always has me, and He cares for me. If I seek Him, everything else falls into place. But I still have to take the steps - I still have to make the changes.
God wants me to have life to the full, and He promises to never leave me. What else do I need to know to have the courage to take me where I think He's leading me? In the end, I'm always His. So no decision is a wrong one, because I learn either way. The only wrong decision is no decision. God loves us too much to leave us where we are.
Please join me in this journey to the unknown. Perhaps we'll learn something about ourselves together.
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