Dreams

Dreams are so funny sometimes. You grow up thinking you know exactly what you want to do and who you want to be - you're so sure. I was SO sure at age five that I was going to be an author. I wrote an essay about it (with surprisingly (or not so surprisingly?) few grammatical errors). I took as many English classes as I could in high school, and majored in English in college.

Yet here I am, working in investment advising as my full time career. But is it really a career? Is it just a job I have until something in "my field" comes along? I'm not even sure English is "my field." Just because I have a degree in it?

I'm realizing now something that nagged me in college - I'm not sure if English is right for me. Yes, I will always love English and reading and writing and even poetry, but is it what I should be doing? This is what this blog is about - trading my dreams for God's. He has a plan so much better for me than I could ever think up myself, and I have to learn to trust that.

But it's difficult when you think you are going down one road for your entire life, then you realize 24 years in that maybe it's not the right path. You feel a little lost, a little out of sorts.

Maybe that's why I'm holding on to other dreams I have a little harder. I really want to travel to Europe. I want to see and experience and smell and breathe it all in. I want to make a difference in people's lives. I'm not sure whose yet, but someone's.

I'm in a state of . . . I'm not sure the word. Confusion? Maybe. I feel like I'm losing part of myself, but I'm not yet sure what should replace it. It's a little terrifying. Okay, it's a lot terrifying. I still live in the town I essentially grew up in. I never had crazy or amazing adventures. Questions come up like should I go back to school? For what? How do I make my life have purpose when I feel so without direction?

I can tell God has me in the process of maturing so much, and it's nice to see progress. I failed my Registered Paraplanner test last Friday (continuing education for work; I needed a 70% and got a 69%). Usually, I would have totally beaten myself up over not being good enough and not working hard enough and disappointing so many people. But instead, I had a little cry about it, said a prayer, and moved on. God has taught me so much about life and lessons, and it was nice to see those teachings in action in my life. At the same time, this maturing process isn't easy and it definitely isn't quick. It's something I need to get used to, I think, because God needs to grow me and who I am before I can become who He's made me to be. And I think He can't reveal who I should be until I finish learning these lessons He's teaching me.

It's a long, slow, painful process. But I'm doing my best to have the patience and learn from my amazing God all He is teaching me. Because I know He has something amazing in store for me; I just don't know what yet. And I'm trying to remember that's okay. I don't need to, because I have God. :)