We'd been trying for a few months, I'd been feeling a little strange, and was a few days late. The test read positive right away, and I have to be honest, I was a little nervous. I am the youngest child in our family, so I didn't have much experience with babies. We'd decided to decide on kids by the time we were 30, which Greg turned in July. So we decided.
"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope." -Psalm 130:5
My gynocologist stopped doing OB, so I needed a new Doctor. I called someone new and they wouldn't see me for 8 weeks, but I guess that's normal. I called at about four weeks because I was experiencing what I thought was abnormal bleeding, but the nurse assured me that it was normal because the egg was implanting on the uterine wall. I took another test and it still said pregnant. So onward I went.
Both Greg and I tried not to get too attached. We knew that miscarriages happened a lot more than people talked about, and we didn't want to get too excited. But as the weeks progressed, I couldn't help but think that we were doing well. I bought some newborn shoes for me to take to Spain so we could take a baby announcement picture. We planned on telling our families during Thanksgiving. I started a new board on Pinterest. I was excited for my first picture of the baby.
I was experiencing more bleeding than normal the first few days of this week, but I tried not to worry - I'd be at the Doctor on Wednesday.
Greg is already in Spain, so my BFF Jen came with me to my ultrasound. I was nervous because I'd never experienced anything like this before. The ultrasound tech started with the gel and outside ultrasound, and explained she couldn't see much because my uterus is apparently tilted. Okay, no big deal. We started the vaginal ultrasound. The tech was labeling different parts of my anatomy and was quiet. I didn't think much of it because she was quiet for the first one too. But then she took one more picture and froze it on the screen. She explained that I had a gestational sac that measured six weeks along. But there wasn't anything in it.
She said this sometimes happens. My body thought I was pregnant. Things were growing like I was pregnant. But I wasn't. Somewhere along the line I lost the fertilized egg. There was no baby.
It took me a while to process. My doctor came in to go over my options. Since I'm leaving the country next week, she recommended a D&C to make sure I'd be okay to go. They had a spot available at 7:30am on Thursday. She told me this at 3:30pm on Wednesday. I had to decide.
Greg was in Spain and I couldn't reach him. I had to make the decision on my own. Jen and I cried together. I held in it until I told her I bought the shoes. There was no baby to wear them. I decided to go through with the surgery.
I talked to Greg later that night, and he agreed. He wanted to be there, but even if he took the next flight out he wouldn't make it. He had to stay in Spain. Jen would take me to the hospital, and Christina, Greg's sister, would come too. I wouldn't be alone.
I made calls to my family that night, and cried a lot more. We waited for so long. We made sure we were ready. We did everything right. And we still lost the baby.
The Midland hospital was fantastic. Everyone was nice and welcoming and knowledgable. I'm apparently a great candidate for anesthesia, because both times I had it I'm knocked right out, and when I wake up I'm lucid and alert and not loopy at all. The surgery was a success, and I was officially not pregnant again. Jen stayed with me all day yesterday to make sure I was okay, but I felt fine. Some light cramping, a little bleeding, but overall, it was over. I stayed home today too on Doctor's orders to not overdo it.
I think it's better that there wasn't a baby. It would've been much harder for me if there was. Christina lost her baby at 14 weeks, so we had pictures and ultrasounds and there was her little child, her little baby growing inside her. I didn't have that. I feel like God knew it would be harder for me if there was. I'm not sure what happened to our little baby, but he/she wasn't ours to keep.
I'm astounded by the outpouring of support from the people I love. It's been incredible. And honestly, I had no idea so many people I knew have experienced something like this. They say 1 in 4, but based on my experience and the people that reached out to me, I'd say the number is closer to 50%. From the very bottom of my heart, thank you all for sharing your stories with me. It's so comforting to know I'm not alone. My heartbreak is not new, but instead shared. I'm not alone, I am surrounded by people who've felt the same loss and loneliness. My struggle is mine, but it is also part of those around me.
I honestly thought that since Christina had this happen to her, it wouldn't happen to me. But it did. And here I am, still childless. Doubts creep in. Maybe we're not meant to have children, since this happened with our first. Maybe we're not ready. Maybe I did something wrong. I'm trying to cling to the fact that I know God has a plan for me, and it's always better than my plan.
"Taking us through suffering, not out of it, is one of the primary means that the Spirit uses today in bringing us to God." -Daniel Wallace
I'm excited to see my husband and finally be able to share this loss together. I'm not going to lie, I'm excited to be able to drink Spanish wine. I'm hopeful for the future, whether that means trying again or not. But most of all, I rest in the knowledge that I'm never alone, for Jesus is always with me. And He's given me an incredible circle of support. I pray we can lean on each other in the struggles. I'm given these experiences for a purpose. Let my life show it, always.
We'd been trying for a baby for about 100 days before we got pregnant. It took 56 days to know we lost the baby. No matter how small, I will meet my baby again. No matter how small, all lives matter. For now, I pray for God's peace and comfort in this new journey He's given me.
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