The Hardest Thing I've Ever Done

I feel like I've been through a lot in my life already.  I've had crazy ups and downs, even in just the past few years.  I've dared to try way more things than I ever dreamed of, and even though they didn't work out (yet?) I haven't lost my sense of self-worth - the one I just recently fought for and attained.  Life is truly unpredictable.

But I realized something recently that will hopefully help me along my journey.  The hardest thing I've done up until this point?  My faith.

Honestly.  Believing in Jesus as my Savior and doing my best to follow Him daily has been the hardest thing I've ever tried to accomplish, and the job will never be complete.  I'm constantly questioning the love I don't deserve, if I'm doing enough to glorify God, how I can continue to serve Him with the gifts He's blessed me with, being convicted when I screw up (repeatedly), frustration when answers don't come, lack of commitment in myself to my prayer and Bible-reading endeavors, laziness in all areas of life, and a lack of understanding in everything about God that I struggle with.  The best word I have for it is HARD.

It's easy for God.  He loves us no matter what.  He cares about us, our well-being, our worth in Him, and wants us to have a fulfilling relationship with Him.  God saved me over and over throughout my life, even when I didn't know him, even when I opened the pages of a Bible a friend gave me and had no idea what it meant, even when the blood spilled down my arm and the knife was pushing against my skin.  He was always there, through everything, loving no matter what.

Is that part of the problem?  Knowing I am innately sinful, completely human, solely messy?  I'll never live up to God, and we know it and He knows it.  I don't think it's that.  I think it must be something to do with all of the things we are "supposed" to do.  We're supposed to go to church regularly.  Serve others.  Help the homeless.  Love others.  Volunteer your weekends.  Give tithes AND offerings (yes, two different things).  Volunteer at church.  Give it all up to follow His will.

But what does that mean?  I used to think I was meant to be a missionary - until I tried it.  Now I know that's not what God wants me to do.  But coming home to the comforts I've been blessed with - sometimes it feels wrong.  Like I'm not sacrificing enough for God.  Like I should be miserable in order to earn God's favor.

I know I am strong in my faith.  I know Jesus is enough for me.  But sometimes, even the best, most well-meaning things can shake my stance a little.  Like sermon messages.  A time when I'm supposed to feel closest to God, and I'm questioning my entire belief system.  How is THAT supposed to work?

Maybe it's good that I'm constantly on edge with my faith.  Maybe that's where we're supposed to be - outside our proverbial "comfort zones" all the time.  Constantly questioning means constantly growing, right?  Always trying to reach a deeper level of understanding, learn just a little bit more about what I base my eternity on.

I'm very careful to never tell anyone faith in God is easy.  It's not - it's the hardest thing you'll ever do.  But it's also the most rewarding, in ways you can't even imagine.  Are you up for it?