Thoughts in Church

In my house growing up, we didn't go to church.  Like, not even on holidays.  So sometimes, even though I've been going to church for quite a while, I still feel like an outsider.  (Especially when they reference some sort of song or something that apparently children learn and then say, "come on, everyone knows this!" Um, no they don't.  But thanks for pointing it out.) 

I often wonder what other people think about when they're in church, especially those that have been going to church for a while.  These are my thoughts while in church - what are yours?

Entering the Sanctuary: "What do those colors mean?"  We go to a Lutheran church, and there are certain colors that correspond with certain...holidays?  I'm still not sure.  Sometimes there isn't a color, and I'm not sure what that means either. But I know there's red, which I think has something to do with Pentecost maybe?  Green is in the summer, because it was green when I got married.  White...maybe Easter?  You can see these colors have had a profound effect on me.  I know they are important and ritualistic for reasons that are important to other people, but they don't mean much to me.  They're not normally talked about.  I usually ask Greg what they mean (he attended a Lutheran church all his life and went to Lutheran school) and he can help me out.  But that's usually my normal first thought.  

Greeting one another:  I'm not going to sugarcoat it: I HATE THIS PART.  Honestly, the worst part of church.  Greeting one another - really?  Shaking the hands of the people around me - is that supposed to make me feel welcome?  It's never enough time to get a conversation going because everyone is always moving on to the next person, and honestly, I don't know if I would want to strike up a conversation with some random stranger that happens to be sitting next to me at church.  There's no point.  Even if you know everyone around you and can say "good morning" to them, that's all you get.  Again, no meaningful conversation here.  And we used to do this at His House too, where I DID know everyone around me, and I still hated it.  Ugh.  This is what's called a "cringe factor" to me - something that is uncomfortable enough to make a newcomer cringe or never come back.  Yikes.  

Opening Music: We sing 3-4 songs to open the service.  I honestly love the music part.  I normally listen to Air1, a Christian rock radio station, and music speaks to me (wow, cliche much?).  Sometimes they play old school songs that we used to play at His House, and those really mean a lot to me, because those were the first Christian songs I heard.  Give me a good "Open the Eyes of my Heart" or "Breathe" or "Amazing Love" and I'm happy.  There are a couple of songs that are honestly really overdone, but I muscle through those and just pray that wasn't the last song they are doing.  :)

The Message: I normally like the message.  Both of our pastors are excellent speakers that talk about relevant topics.  I bring a little journal with me and write down verses that speak to me or something the pastor said that was profound.  

The Offering: I don't mind this part; however, we give online (because our church offers that option) and I still feel weird not putting anything in there.  I want to let the people know around me "We give online!"  I think that might just be me being insecure.  

The Lord's Prayer:  This is the one part of our service that we say in unison as a church.  Sometimes it's difficult to not just say it and not really think about it.  I try to focus on the "Give us this day our daily bread" part because it reminds me that God will provide, even if it's a day at a time.  And really, that's all we need, is just today's worries.  We don't need to borrow tomorrow's.  

Communion:  We do communion every week at our church, and I think it might be one of my favorite parts (and not just because the wine is really good).  I told myself that if I survived my depression and cutting, I would thank Jesus for how many times he rescued me as a teenager.  because he did - over and over and over.  So every week when I take the wine, I look up at the cross over the altar and thank Jesus - over and over and over.  Thank him for saving my life, for believing in me, for loving me enough to not leave me where I was, but help me to be more centered in Him.  Communion is a time that helps me remember my relationship with Christ's origins, and how far I've come.  It encourages me to keep on going and live the life He wanted for me.  It reminds me of how truly truly loved I am.  

I'd love to hear your favorite/least favorite parts of church :)

Share Love

So the holidays are over and we're 12 days into the New Year.  Is that too early to give up on New Year's Resolutions?  Just kidding.  I'm still on track, though it's a little ugly.  (Running a 5k after quite a while of not running = an ugly finish time.  But it just means I have more room for improvement, right?)

Thinking about resolutions, I was listening to Air 1 (a Christian radio station - look them up to see if there's a station near you!) and they were talking about resolutions in one word.  Along with the resolutions I had already made, I decided to add one more:  share love.  I know it's two words, but I think both are important.  I know it's not technically a SMART goal (sustainable, measurable, attainable, realistic, timely) but I am viewing it as something to continue on throughout my life.

Sharing love.  Something that sounds great, but how do I put it into practice?  How can I share love with others?  I've resolved to donate at least 5 quilts and 10 burp cloths to the Pregnancy Resource Center in Midland this year - I think that's one way.  But sometimes the hardest way to share love is with the people that we are closest with.  Yes, an oxymoron, but one that is so so true.

When we think of sharing our faith with others, it's often easiest to share it with strangers.  To take a chance that has no consequences (what do you have to lose?).  But share with those that we love the most?  To truly ask them what their stance is and hear the answer (and not judge if it's something we don't like)?  That's scary.  It's terrifying, actually.

Our pastor gave a somewhat uncomfortable message this past week.  He asked us if we felt the world was inherently good or inherently evil.  Then he told us so many facts that obliterated any belief that the world is good.  Did you know that in the world, 1,000 people are murdered every minute?  Yes, every minute.  In the 25 minute message, 25,000 people lost their lives at the hands of another.  And this was just one example that he used to make a point.  The world is inherently bad.  Left to our own devices, we will always choose the lazy way, the violent way, the wrong way, the angry way.  As much as we try to fight it, that is our natural inclination.

It's an ugly fate to think about.  But even though I do agree the world is inherently evil, I also believe whole-heartedly that people are capable of good.  We all have the ability to choose light, to choose peace, to choose joy, to love those around us and cause no harm.  That is our choice, and even though it's never ever easy, we can always make the decision to choose the right way.

The beauty of grace is wrapped up in being capable of good.  Even though we mess up (a lot, all the time), grace forgives.  Grace doesn't hold it against us.  A new slate - every morning.  A new beginning with each sunrise.  A new chance to get it right.

Don't get me wrong - I get irritated with myself hundreds of times a day because of the thousand little choices that I mess up.  And I get even more irritated when I make the same mistakes.  It's so frustrating!  Why can't I just get it right, establish a habit, have the right choice come naturally?  But it doesn't, and it might get a little easier, but it will never be natural.  The consequence of the world, the consequence of the fall - we know the difference between good and evil.

Did you know God regretted creating humans?  Before the Flood, he said that he regretted his creation.  Hello - that was us.  He was going to wipe us all out because we were so evil and so terrible to one another and to ourselves.  He saw no good in any of us - except one.  Noah was good - Noah made the right choices.  Oh, he messed up, but God saw he was CAPABLE of good.  And God spared him.  If that's not an amazing message, I don't know what is.

So this year, I know I am capable of good, no matter how many wrong choices I make.  And I'm choosing to share love with others, so they can also know they are capable of good.  We mess up every day, repeating mistakes, falling short.  But there is always the ability to choose good, to choose love, to show it to others.  I hope you'll join me in my quest to show others what they are capable of, and what they can achieve.  Knowing I'm loved by the Creator who knows I mess up all the time - and loves me anyway.  Who has the ability to wipe us off the face of the Earth - but doesn't because He knows what we can do if we really want to.

Resolve to be your best self today.  Resolve to share love with others.  Help them to know, in the midst of their mistakes, how loved they truly are by you and their creator.  Making mistakes is inevitable, but sharing love is a choice.  Choose love.

The Silent Killer

Normally things don't really affect me the way they probably should, in the context of deaths. Yesterday, however, was different.  When my husband told me that Robin Williams died, I was first deeply rooted in denial (ask him).  He had to tell me several times that he was serious.  After that, I cried off and on most of the night.  I curled up under a blanket, and thought of all of the movies in which Robin Williams touched my life.  The fact that he battled depression and hung himself made the situation worse.

For those of you who don't know, I battle depression.  I was diagnosed at 17 and was on medication until my mid-twenties.  I engaged in self-harm in adolescence, though thankfully most of the physical scars have healed.  And I will tell you, depression is one mean monster.

First of all, it's silent.  No one can see what you're going through.  You don't even know what you're going through.  All you know is you feel down all the time, and sometimes, you don't feel anything at all.  Nothing matters.  The light dims, the edges fade in, and it's just you, the world gray and fuzzy, lost in a world seemingly of your own making that even if they wanted to, no one can break in.

Sure, you can function during the day.  You can even laugh sometimes, pretend all is right.  But those alone times, those nights when there's no distractions, nothing from the color seeping out of your world, those are the worst.

People don't understand it.  They tell you, "Well...just be happier!" or "Can't you get over it?" or "Stop faking it for attention." or "I don't see anything wrong."  They assume you are weak.  They think, "Well, she was just fine today and now she's depressed?"  They can't know the monster lurking at the edges of your vision.  Sometimes you can push him aside.  Sometimes you can't.

Depression is a battle that is never-ending.  Even now, I have bouts of sadness, lethargy.  My husband deals with it the best he can, but he doesn't understand, and I don't expect him to.  I'm just glad he doesn't try to fix it, doesn't tell me to "get over it."  Because there's no such thing.

I can tell you about the dopamine and the serotonin levels that are unbalanced in my brain.  That my neural receptors don't send and receive the chemicals they way they should, which affects brain function.  That's all true.  But it's not particularly helpful when there's a great big world and you don't feel like you're a part of it.

Those who suffer from depression are great actors.  It's when we're alone that the monster comes out to play.  For me, I resorted to cutting.  That knife on my inner wrist meant pain, and pain meant feeling.  Any feeling was better than no feeling at all.  The blood reminded me I was alive, that color existed, that feelings could still be felt.  I'll admit that it took me many years to not have a knife handy at night in case I needed it.  Many years.

In light of Robin Williams' death, the taking of his own life, I pray that we all remember that everyone is fighting a battle, and we don't know what the other person is dealing with.  We have no way of knowing the demons that possess their lives.  Please be kind to those around you.  Even if you don't understand, please don't judge.  And please tell those you love that you love them.  Repeatedly.  Communication is key for those with depression.  Knowing they're not alone, knowing they can talk to someone, bringing back that color and sharpening the edges of the world they've fallen into can mean everything.

I also encourage those with depression to talk to someone about it.  Someone you trust.  Know you're not alone in this battle, and know that others have gone before you and won.  The war is never over, but the battles can be victorious.

If anyone needs a listening ear, please please get in contact with me.  I beg you to understand your worth.  You are so loved, so valued, so cherished.  Allow others to team up with you and beat back the darkness.  Be brave and courageous in your journey.  You are not alone.

Small Decisions

We all like to think it's the big decisions that change our lives.  And sometimes, it truly is.  Where you go to college.  Who you marry.  Your career path.  All important (and big) decisions.

But I think I've decided to focus more on the small decisions.  I feel like I make a thousand small decisions a day, sometimes not even realizing I'm making them, and it impacts my life in ways that I still don't know about.  Right now I'm just grateful for the awareness that it does, and the power to change it.

Let's take eating healthy as an example.  I can set a big lofty goal of losing thirty pounds this summer.  I can even set smaller goals of losing 2 pounds a week.  But honestly?  The decisions that would help the most?  NOT going out to eat for lunch.  Eating something healthy instead of cookies.  Doing one more set at the gym (or one more mile).  Going for a walk instead of sitting in my chair.  Everyday decisions that, in the moment, don't seem so momentous.  (Sidebar - I wanted to type monumentous but that's apparently not a word.  Who knew?)  Am I really going to miss that serving of *insert unhealthy thing here*?  Is my body really going to break down if I walk more?

But I think, all of those small decisions together, can really add up.  Not to mention, my  habits will gradually change.  Something I'm in need of, but can't get myself to do in sweeping changes.  You're supposed to "know thyself" right?  Well I know there's no way I can cut out sweets or what-have-you in one fell swoop.  Maybe the small decisions will help.

Another example - writing.  I've been making progress in my novel idea (ha ha...it's a pun) but not in the way one would think.  I wrote approximately 30,000 words, and am now reworking the story, characters, plot, and structure.  I plan on completely starting over (with the same characters and idea though) and start at the beginning.  But sometimes, it's so easy to come up with excuses.  I work a full time job.  I am trying to make working out a priority.  Blah blah blah.

BUT if I make small decisions and just work on it a little, I'll get more done.  Write every day, isn't that what they tell you?  So today I had discipline (and a little encouragement from a fellow writer, a friend and coworker) and worked on my outline.  And it felt great!  I love to write!  I am hoping I can continue to make progress toward my goal of a completed novel.  And I feel like these little decisions will help me on that journey.

What about you?  Do you do better with the BIG decisions and stick with it?  Or do small decisions work best for you?  I'm actually a little excited to start.  It takes a lot of pressure off to focus on just one decision, right now.  We'll see how it goes.  :)

Regrets

So I watched a TED talk today about not regretting regrets.  (If you don't know what TED is, I encourage you to visit www.ted.com - they have amazing talks from industry experts on all sorts of topics).  Here's the link to the one I watched:

http://www.ted.com/talks/kathryn_schulz_don_t_regret_regret?utm_medium=on.ted.com-facebook-share&utm_source=facebook.com&awesm=on.ted.com_c0Bt8&utm_content=awesm-publisher&utm_campaign=

Anyway, it really got me thinking about regrets.  I consistently say I only have one regret in life; that I didn't apply to University of Michigan to see if I would've been accepted.  You may think that it's a silly regret, but to me it was very important.  I did all of the applications, wrote all the essays, got recommendations from U of M alums.  I just didn't submit it.  And I truly regret it.  Greg has an acceptance letter from U of M; I'll never know if, in high school, I would've been accepted.

But really?  I only have one regret?  The talk details that we, as a society, are prone to making sure we don't have regrets (or we don't admit them).  We learned that lesson, it made us stronger, etc.  And all of that might be true, but I also think it's okay to have regrets.  To wish a situation was different.  To wonder what it would've been like.

I do think it's necessary to be at peace with your past decisions and learn from them; however, as in the TED talk, there's a process you have to go through.  Admit it, understand it, laugh at it, allow yourself some time to get used to it.  But it's okay to still regret it.

I have an issue with feeling inadequate.  Not good enough.  A failure.  It's something I've struggled with all my life and am honestly still working on.  There are always (believe me) things that one can feel inadequate about.  Part of my perfectionist, control-freak attitude is so I don't feel embarrassed or stupid in a situation, so I don't feel not good enough.

But you know what that gets me?  Not going for it.  Not taking risks.  Not allowing myself to step out on a limb and try something new or hard or different.  Not applying to U of M.

In some ways, my "one" regret represents exactly what I fear most.  What I constantly try to avoid, so I have no other regrets.

Thankfully, I've been encouraged through my faith to try new things.  There's been so many new things I've tried and failed at the last few years, it's been crazy.  I've tried to start a business with my quilting; that didn't work out.  I tried to go back to school; that wasn't the right path.  Two huge decisions that failed.  And you know what?  I'm actually stronger for them.  I have more self-esteem; I have more self-worth.  Sometimes, letting yourself face the thing you fear most can give you a profound sense of freedom from those chains.

I encourage you to feel your decisions, allow yourself to be upset by them, allow time to pass so you can heal, but then move on.  Have regrets.  It means you've lived.  And you're still living.

Sunday Morning Debate

In case you didn't know this about me, I didn't grow up Christian.  Religious affiliations weren't really mentioned.  We had a children's Bible, and my grandparents were Catholic and I knew my parents were both raised Catholic, but we didn't go to church.

In 2006, I was baptized.  Since then, my Sunday morning routine has changed dramatically.  When I was in high school, I worked on Sunday mornings.  In college, I slept in.  Now, I go to church.

And I've noticed that something happens every morning.  I have a debate with myself.  My alarm goes off about 20 minutes before I have to get up (two snooze cycles).  In that time, I go through the same debate.  Every.  Single.  Week.  "Should I go to church today?"  "Sleep sounds soooo nice right now."  "I normally only get one day to sleep in, another would be nice."  "Would I really be missing anything?"

Thankfully, Greg was raised Lutheran and they went to church.  Every week, without fail.  So for him, it's not even a question; it's just what you do.  You go to church on Sundays.  So it's nice that I know he'll want to go, so I have to get up.  But I find it interesting that this debate happens to me all the time.

And you know what happens when I go to church?  I'm changed.  Now, I don't want you to think I have a life-altering revelation every week, because I don't.  And I don't want you to think that my church is without its issues and problems, because it's not.  But I will tell you that something normally happens that makes me glad I went.  It might be the music, which is a HUGE part of my worship (there was a guest band playing this week and they played a song I LOVE), it might be the message, or perhaps a stirring video, or even communion and prayer.  But whatever it is on each particular week, I'm glad I went.

This makes me believe that forces are working against me - telling me that not going to church is better than going.  Because if I don't go, I won't grow stronger with God.  My relationship won't solidify as much; my faith won't be as grounded.  And that, my friends, is the devil's ideal playground - a doubting soul.  A worried heart.  A troubled mind.  Anywhere he can niggle a little doubt, the better.  But church can help settle the soul, calm the heart, reassure the mind.  It allows us to know our place, our identity, and who is ultimately in control.  It allows us to reaffirm our commitment to our faith and to the works God has called us to do.  It reminds us of his great love, and how we're never alone.

All of those things I would miss out on for a few hours of sleep (which, as I mentioned before, I can get on Saturday).  PLUS, as an extra bonus, since I'm already awake and up, I get so much more done on Sundays.  It's a double-win.

Does anyone else go through this debate like I do?  If so, have you been a lifetime church-goer, or is your faith new?  Are you in Greg's boat where it's just something that you do, or do you struggle?

Be assured, friends.  God loves you and wants to know you.  Do you want to know Him?

PS - if you do, and don't know where to start, let me know.  The joy you'll find is the best thing I've ever known.  :)

Marriage Lessons

I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately, probably for two reasons:  1) my hubby and I will be married five years in July and 2) my coworkers and I talk a lot about it.  Out of the core group of us, 3 are married and 2 are not, so it actually comes up a lot.  So I thought I would write down some nuggets of understanding I've learned so far.  :)

First of all, I asked my hubby about it and had three:  Pick your battles, don't sweat the small stuff, and pay attention.  That's the guy's perspective (short and sweet, like always).

Mine are below:

1. Marriage is forever.  If you go into it thinking you have an out (divorce), you will inevitably take that out.  Know that marriage is hard.  It's hard to be with one person for the rest of your life.  You both will change, and situations will change, and the people around you will change.  If you decide to get married because it's that time, or you don't think you'll find anyone better, or you are pressured into it by family members, it's not for the right reasons, and it will most likely fail.  I don't want to be pessimistic here, but realistic.  Half of marriages end in divorce; many of them because it got too hard, or someone thought there was something better out there, or communication broke down.  There is NO backing out of this if you decide to take the leap.   If you get into a fight, take a breather until you both calm down, then work it out.  This is forever.
2. Marriage is a thousand choices every day.  And newsflash: it's the same choice.  You have to choose your partner, over and over again, every day.  This ties in with the first point but is important enough to be its own.  
3. Communication is key.  If you can't communicate with your partner, you aren't going to make it.  I've seen it first hand.  Make sure they're your best friend, and you can talk to them about anything.  I tell Greg things I've never told anyone else.  At our very core, it's the conversations we have that keep us close (along with our faith).  Go out on a date, somewhere with no TVs.  Talk about your days.  Learn about each other.  Though I know a lot about him, I'm still learning about my husband.  He shows me new sides of him still.  And when we fight, sometimes it takes us a while to get to the real issue (because the start of the fight is almost never the real issue).  Wait it out.  Talk about it.  Yell about it if you have to (it works for us).  But make sure  you choose each other at the end of it.  (See Point #2).
4. The first year of marriage is the hardest.  This one is sort of a cliche, but I found it to be so true.  Greg and I lived together a few months before we got married, but for some reason being married changes everything.  All of the sudden, all of those habits come out.  How do you celebrate Christmas?  What traditions from each of your families are you going to keep?  Which ones are you going to create for yourselves?  Does he mow the lawn and shovel the snow as often as you think it should be done?  Does she do the dishes and vacuum, or does the house drive you nuts while she's out gardening?  Do either of you have a hobby that takes up a lot of time/money?  Do you like mayonnaise and she likes Miracle Whip?  All of these questions you find answers to in the first year, and it's very hard to meld together two different styles of life.  We had to figure out what works for us and what doesn't.  (For instance, Greg shovels/snow blows more often than he'd probably like because that's what I like.  I put my shoes away as soon as I get home instead of leaving them next to the door.)
5. Pick your battles.   This one was one of my husband's and I definitely agree with.  Sometimes it's just not worth the fight.  Just do the dishes.  Just take care of the mail.  If you end up fighting about everything, you'll lose that connection that brought you together.  Make sure whatever you want to fight about is the hill you want to die on, so to speak.  Other times...let it go.  If it still bugs you three weeks later, then bring it up.  Otherwise, let yourself have a little peace.
6. Marry your best friend.  Another sort of cliche, but still true.  I couldn't imagine my life without Greg, which is part of the reason why I married him.  He knows more about me than anyone else.  Yes, I have awesome girlfriends who I love dearly, but at the end of the day, he's my best friend.  If I had to do something with someone, he'd be my first choice.  Having that connection makes sure you don't focus too much on the physical, but on the friendship.  The friendship will carry you through.
7. Keep working on bettering yourself.  As I mentioned above, our fights are rarely about what is first brought up.  They are normally more about something that happened to us as kids, or a habit we formed, and it's manifesting itself in our actions.  And a lot of times, it takes us a while to understand what's really going on. But use those times to better yourself.  Be self-aware enough to know that you're messed up.  (Newsflash: everyone is.)  Work through those issues that you have.  Allow your spouse to help.  It can be a very healing exercise, and lets you become the best "you" you can be.  Don't lose yourself to your marriage.  Always know who you are, and know that you are better together than apart.
8. Have other friends.  This may seem a little contradictory to #6, but both are important.  As much as I love spending time with my husband, if I spent all of my time with him, we'd both drive each other nuts.  Having other friends allows us a little break, to be ourselves outside of our marriage, and come back to each other refreshed.  You inevitably start becoming like the person you married, so outside influences are helpful to remember who you are.
9. Challenge each other.  Stagnation is almost never a good thing.  Make sure you encourage each other to strive toward goals. Understand what your partner's passion is; help them pursue it.  Be each other's biggest cheerleader.  This will help you grow closer as a couple and grow individually.  Win-Win.

I'm no marriage expert, but these are the things that I've learned (and just a few of them at that).  We don't have kids, so none of my lessons revolve around children (though I'm sure if we do, I could have a whole other blog post about it).  

What lessons have you learned in marriage?  Let me know!