Marriage Lessons

I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately, probably for two reasons:  1) my hubby and I will be married five years in July and 2) my coworkers and I talk a lot about it.  Out of the core group of us, 3 are married and 2 are not, so it actually comes up a lot.  So I thought I would write down some nuggets of understanding I've learned so far.  :)

First of all, I asked my hubby about it and had three:  Pick your battles, don't sweat the small stuff, and pay attention.  That's the guy's perspective (short and sweet, like always).

Mine are below:

1. Marriage is forever.  If you go into it thinking you have an out (divorce), you will inevitably take that out.  Know that marriage is hard.  It's hard to be with one person for the rest of your life.  You both will change, and situations will change, and the people around you will change.  If you decide to get married because it's that time, or you don't think you'll find anyone better, or you are pressured into it by family members, it's not for the right reasons, and it will most likely fail.  I don't want to be pessimistic here, but realistic.  Half of marriages end in divorce; many of them because it got too hard, or someone thought there was something better out there, or communication broke down.  There is NO backing out of this if you decide to take the leap.   If you get into a fight, take a breather until you both calm down, then work it out.  This is forever.
2. Marriage is a thousand choices every day.  And newsflash: it's the same choice.  You have to choose your partner, over and over again, every day.  This ties in with the first point but is important enough to be its own.  
3. Communication is key.  If you can't communicate with your partner, you aren't going to make it.  I've seen it first hand.  Make sure they're your best friend, and you can talk to them about anything.  I tell Greg things I've never told anyone else.  At our very core, it's the conversations we have that keep us close (along with our faith).  Go out on a date, somewhere with no TVs.  Talk about your days.  Learn about each other.  Though I know a lot about him, I'm still learning about my husband.  He shows me new sides of him still.  And when we fight, sometimes it takes us a while to get to the real issue (because the start of the fight is almost never the real issue).  Wait it out.  Talk about it.  Yell about it if you have to (it works for us).  But make sure  you choose each other at the end of it.  (See Point #2).
4. The first year of marriage is the hardest.  This one is sort of a cliche, but I found it to be so true.  Greg and I lived together a few months before we got married, but for some reason being married changes everything.  All of the sudden, all of those habits come out.  How do you celebrate Christmas?  What traditions from each of your families are you going to keep?  Which ones are you going to create for yourselves?  Does he mow the lawn and shovel the snow as often as you think it should be done?  Does she do the dishes and vacuum, or does the house drive you nuts while she's out gardening?  Do either of you have a hobby that takes up a lot of time/money?  Do you like mayonnaise and she likes Miracle Whip?  All of these questions you find answers to in the first year, and it's very hard to meld together two different styles of life.  We had to figure out what works for us and what doesn't.  (For instance, Greg shovels/snow blows more often than he'd probably like because that's what I like.  I put my shoes away as soon as I get home instead of leaving them next to the door.)
5. Pick your battles.   This one was one of my husband's and I definitely agree with.  Sometimes it's just not worth the fight.  Just do the dishes.  Just take care of the mail.  If you end up fighting about everything, you'll lose that connection that brought you together.  Make sure whatever you want to fight about is the hill you want to die on, so to speak.  Other times...let it go.  If it still bugs you three weeks later, then bring it up.  Otherwise, let yourself have a little peace.
6. Marry your best friend.  Another sort of cliche, but still true.  I couldn't imagine my life without Greg, which is part of the reason why I married him.  He knows more about me than anyone else.  Yes, I have awesome girlfriends who I love dearly, but at the end of the day, he's my best friend.  If I had to do something with someone, he'd be my first choice.  Having that connection makes sure you don't focus too much on the physical, but on the friendship.  The friendship will carry you through.
7. Keep working on bettering yourself.  As I mentioned above, our fights are rarely about what is first brought up.  They are normally more about something that happened to us as kids, or a habit we formed, and it's manifesting itself in our actions.  And a lot of times, it takes us a while to understand what's really going on. But use those times to better yourself.  Be self-aware enough to know that you're messed up.  (Newsflash: everyone is.)  Work through those issues that you have.  Allow your spouse to help.  It can be a very healing exercise, and lets you become the best "you" you can be.  Don't lose yourself to your marriage.  Always know who you are, and know that you are better together than apart.
8. Have other friends.  This may seem a little contradictory to #6, but both are important.  As much as I love spending time with my husband, if I spent all of my time with him, we'd both drive each other nuts.  Having other friends allows us a little break, to be ourselves outside of our marriage, and come back to each other refreshed.  You inevitably start becoming like the person you married, so outside influences are helpful to remember who you are.
9. Challenge each other.  Stagnation is almost never a good thing.  Make sure you encourage each other to strive toward goals. Understand what your partner's passion is; help them pursue it.  Be each other's biggest cheerleader.  This will help you grow closer as a couple and grow individually.  Win-Win.

I'm no marriage expert, but these are the things that I've learned (and just a few of them at that).  We don't have kids, so none of my lessons revolve around children (though I'm sure if we do, I could have a whole other blog post about it).  

What lessons have you learned in marriage?  Let me know!

Making the World Suck Less

So I just finished The Fault in our Stars by John Green.  OF COURSE I cried, silly!  Definitely recommend though.  The feels.  They burn sometimes.

Anyway, I actually read the acknowledgments section because 1) it came at the end of the book and 2) I couldn't believe the book was over so I kept reading.  And one of the acknowledgments was to someone "for wanting nothing more than to make the world suck less."

In light of this book, it's actually a profound statement.  In light of this book and the message at church on Sunday, it's bordering on prophetic.  The message on Sunday was about hell - literally.  A rich man finds himself in hell (which sounds awful, by the way) and wants to warn his brothers.  Abraham tells him they already have Moses and the Prophets (the Old Testament) so they have enough to discern their own fate.   Powerful stuff in itself, but material for a later post.

Then our senior pastor said something that really stuck with me.  He said that this life it the only time we get to give to other people.  Think about it - some people don't believe in an afterlife, so you're done right there.  But me, I believe in heaven and hell.  And in heaven, everyone will have everything they need - no need to give to other people.  They'll already have their needs taken care of, the love and comfort from others and from God, and we'll have everything we need.  In hell, eternal agony leaves no place for giving.  I'm not even sure you can see other people there.

So now.  Just now we have in order to serve others and give to them, whether it be gifts, time, a listening ear.  Whatever it is, now is the time, and the only time, to do it.  All of those good intentions (what is it that the road to hell is paved with?), all of those hesitations, those turn-away moments where courage fails you and you stick with the status quo.  Those all go away.  Opportunities wasted. Chances surrendered.

Life is short, my friends.  Whether a book like The Fault in our Stars reminds you or you don't need reminding, please know that we need each other.  We need to be there for each other, in whatever way that means the most to you.  Please don't pass up your chance.  Love others.  Let them love you.  And make the world suck a little less.

Helping us THROUGH it

I've been thinking a lot about how difficult faith is (see my last post).  Like I had mentioned, I try not to tell people faith is easy, because it certainly isn't.  Sometimes it seems like the hardest things happen to those who have faith in God.  It's certainly a particular point that non-Christians like to argue - if your God is so faithful, why can't He prevent bad things from happening?

My answer is He absolutely can.  But He doesn't.  Why?  Because first of all, this is a fallen world, and we have free will.  This Earth is not God's kingdom but Satan's, and sin is all around us (even in us!).  The other reason is because getting us through the hard times is what brings us closer to God.

Think about it - I know that we praise God when we are in a fruitful season in our lives, but how much more do we depend on Him when things are hard?  How much more do we talk to Him, rely on His strength and comfort, allow Him to hold a place in our heart?  It's a terrible situation to be sure, but sometimes that's the only way we'll talk to Him.  Without it, we would be silent, claiming to know everything and have everything figured out.  Bad things/situations are a way to draw His children back to God.

Without God, I wouldn't be able to handle the bad times.  I wouldn't be able to draw on His strength when mine fails.  I wouldn't be able to offer a helping hand when my situation isn't much better.  I wouldn't be able to let go of my bitterness of whatever situation I had to face without His peace.  I think sometimes that's why people are so lost, so bitter, so mean in this world.  They don't have any resources, any reservoir tank to draw from when their strength runs out, when their smile fades, when their lives look hopeless.  Without God, there is no peace and joy.  Without peace and joy, this is a (let's face it) terrible place to live.

God helps us THROUGH all of those things.  Sometimes those things happen on purpose - a sudden cancer diagnosis, a car accident, a job loss that makes no sense.  Those are the times that we need to lean on Him the MOST.  Those are the times He's crying out to us to use His strength to get through it.  To talk to Him about the problems that seem to just pile up.  He won't always remove the situation (like Paul's thorn) but you can glorify Him through the pain.  You can lift Him up and allow Him to comfort you.  What a wonderful thing!   Relying on the King of the Universe seems like a much better plan than relying on myself.  I know I'm nowhere near strong enough or able enough to handle the huge, huge problems of this world.  Thankfully, I know someone who is.  And He never leaves my side.

Christianity is hard.  But I think it would be an awful lot harder to go through life with no hope, no joy, no peace.  Nothing to look forward to after this.

If you have questions about anything, please let me know!!  I promise I don't bite, and I'd love to talk to you about the awesome God of the universe.

The Hardest Thing I've Ever Done

I feel like I've been through a lot in my life already.  I've had crazy ups and downs, even in just the past few years.  I've dared to try way more things than I ever dreamed of, and even though they didn't work out (yet?) I haven't lost my sense of self-worth - the one I just recently fought for and attained.  Life is truly unpredictable.

But I realized something recently that will hopefully help me along my journey.  The hardest thing I've done up until this point?  My faith.

Honestly.  Believing in Jesus as my Savior and doing my best to follow Him daily has been the hardest thing I've ever tried to accomplish, and the job will never be complete.  I'm constantly questioning the love I don't deserve, if I'm doing enough to glorify God, how I can continue to serve Him with the gifts He's blessed me with, being convicted when I screw up (repeatedly), frustration when answers don't come, lack of commitment in myself to my prayer and Bible-reading endeavors, laziness in all areas of life, and a lack of understanding in everything about God that I struggle with.  The best word I have for it is HARD.

It's easy for God.  He loves us no matter what.  He cares about us, our well-being, our worth in Him, and wants us to have a fulfilling relationship with Him.  God saved me over and over throughout my life, even when I didn't know him, even when I opened the pages of a Bible a friend gave me and had no idea what it meant, even when the blood spilled down my arm and the knife was pushing against my skin.  He was always there, through everything, loving no matter what.

Is that part of the problem?  Knowing I am innately sinful, completely human, solely messy?  I'll never live up to God, and we know it and He knows it.  I don't think it's that.  I think it must be something to do with all of the things we are "supposed" to do.  We're supposed to go to church regularly.  Serve others.  Help the homeless.  Love others.  Volunteer your weekends.  Give tithes AND offerings (yes, two different things).  Volunteer at church.  Give it all up to follow His will.

But what does that mean?  I used to think I was meant to be a missionary - until I tried it.  Now I know that's not what God wants me to do.  But coming home to the comforts I've been blessed with - sometimes it feels wrong.  Like I'm not sacrificing enough for God.  Like I should be miserable in order to earn God's favor.

I know I am strong in my faith.  I know Jesus is enough for me.  But sometimes, even the best, most well-meaning things can shake my stance a little.  Like sermon messages.  A time when I'm supposed to feel closest to God, and I'm questioning my entire belief system.  How is THAT supposed to work?

Maybe it's good that I'm constantly on edge with my faith.  Maybe that's where we're supposed to be - outside our proverbial "comfort zones" all the time.  Constantly questioning means constantly growing, right?  Always trying to reach a deeper level of understanding, learn just a little bit more about what I base my eternity on.

I'm very careful to never tell anyone faith in God is easy.  It's not - it's the hardest thing you'll ever do.  But it's also the most rewarding, in ways you can't even imagine.  Are you up for it?

Waiting and Patience...Patience and Waiting

Oh my goodness.  This summer has been a crazy one!

I took a spring general psychology class at Delta this year.  I felt God calling me to the psychology field - I think I've known since high school that I might want to pursue that field, but I stuck with English for my undergrad degree.  Well it's been four years since college, and it was time to make a move.  Since my class (which I loved), I needed to find a masters program in counseling.  I really felt like God was calling me toward this field, and it's a wonderful feeling to have purpose.  God drew me closer to Moody Theological Seminary, located in Plymouth, MI.  I applied to the Counseling Psychology program right before my surgery, and found out I was accepted a month later - praise the Lord!

Oh, but since I applied, it's been nothing but waiting.  Waiting for transcripts to be mailed, waiting for references to be submitted, waiting and waiting (and waiting) for my acceptance notification.  So much waiting. 

And once again, I am waiting.  I've submitted my enrollment confirmation but submitted a scholarship application and am waiting on another.   I've emailed my admissions counselor with some questions and am waiting to hear back.  I can't make a move until I have answers, and no one seems to want to provide them.

In case you've never met me, I'm terrible at waiting - absolutely horrible.  Patience was never my strong suit and it's still not.  Maybe that's why God is allowing all of these waiting periods - to teach me more patience.  I need to wait on His timing and allow things to process, I know.  His timing is always better than ours.  Faith is needed here.

But time slips by, and the theoretical start of the semester slumbers closer, and I'm still waiting.  I haven't even started any process for paying for this new degree.  I pray I lean on God during these times and trust in Him.  He knows best - always.

First-Time Surgery

Oh my goodness, what an ordeal this surgery has been!  For those that don't know, I needed to get my wisdom teeth out.  I had a consultation at an oral surgeon's office in Saginaw in March, but they did not impress me in any way at all.  Second consultation in May in Midland; surgery scheduled for end of May.  Of course, I prepared myself for every situation except the one that happened: they couldn't find a vein for the IV sedation.  Fast forward four weeks and I'm in the oral surgeon's office again. 

This time...they found a vein!  I remember thanking God for that, and then them talking about things, but then I was out.  No countdown, no worries, just out.  I came to when the Dr. was talking to me and telling me that all  went well.  It looked like they were still putting in stitches but I was numb so I couldn't feel it.  Then, I was done!  No loopiness, no weird thoughts, just done.  I don't know, I was kind of glad about that (though I think Greg was a little disappointed!).  It's been 36 hours since my surgery, and granted I'm hopped up on pills (still!), but I haven't been too sore or in too much pain - thank the Good Lord!  I slept all day yesterday (which I was hoping to) and today I rested most of the day (my pedometer will NOT be thanking me) but it's been okay so far.  I'm so glad that it went well, they're all out, and it looks like I will be in pretty good shape for vacation next week!  :)

So first surgery of my life out of the way and done, with not too many complications.  I know that God had a plan for this surgery - maybe so it was after my class, I'm not sure.  But it will be so worth it once the swelling goes down and I'm not teething anymore!

In other news, I feel like God is really working in our lives right now...no details yet, but I am so excited about what might happen. I finally have purpose in life - I feel like I've never had that before and it's an awesome feeling!  I highly recommend it! :)

Purpose & Plans

I graduated from college in 2009 with a Bachelors of Arts in Creative Writing (though the degree simply says Bachelor of Arts).  I currently work at an investment advisory firm.  I don't know why those two sentences together bother me.

When I was in high school and looking at colleges, I was told, "Major in what you love."  For the most part, I still think that's good advice, even if it's incomplete.  I job-shadowed a middle-school teacher, and knew that wasn't for me.  I'm not good at math or science.  I'm good at English, and I like writing/reading/editing.  It seemed to make sense.  But I think that another piece of advice that would have been nice to hear is, "But you may have to make major sacrifices to use it."

I understand that no one could have known in 2004 what the job market would look like in 2009.  I understand I didn't make all of the necessary sacrifices to have a good chance to use my degree (i.e. relocating to a bigger city like Chicago or NY).   I even understand that it doesn't necessarily matter what your major is for a lot of jobs, as long as you have a college degree.  I think what I am questioning is a little more personal.

I believe I'm exactly where God wants me to be.  I think he has me at my current job because there are people I can influence and love I can show to those I am surrounded by.  But I feel like my season is ending.  I feel like I'm at the point of thinking about moving on.  And my degree, much to my surprise, is a little bit of a stumbling block.

English degrees are very versatile.  Many employers will hire English degree-holders. My problem is it gives me too many options.  So I know I don't want to be in finance; what do I want to do?

I know I want to help people.  I want to help people more directly than I am now.  And I'm thinking I want to help people through their issues, and teach them how to cope with whatever they're going through.  I've decided to take a summer class at Delta - general psychology.  I think I'd like to be a counselor in some capacity.  I'm not sure what that will look like, but I feel God leading me down that path.

I'm kind of excited for it.  I took general psych my freshman year of college, but it's been 9 years now, and I most likely need a refresher course.  Plus it's an online class, which will most likely be what the curriculum will be if I do decide to pursue my master's.  I think this may be the next step for me.

I know I should keep my options open, and you definitely never know what door God might open for you next.  But I think He may be opening this one for me.  And I'm praying I have the courage to pursue it.  

I've found that trying to make money out of a hobby or something you love can diminish how much you love what you are doing.  I tried to make a business out of quilting and making homemade crafts, and it didn't work.  I thought that's where God was leading me, but it was a bit of a failure.  Maybe He wanted me to try and fail, to realize that you have your hobbies, then you have what you do for a living, and those two things shouldn't necessarily mix.  And I think I'm okay with that, but I also think I'm ready to follow this next path.  And I'm hoping this one is more successful.  :)

Maybe this next step will help me to use my current degree more directly.  God's giving me little snippets of thoughts that are leaning that way.   I never had a clear vision of what I was going to do with my life - first I was determined to be a writer, then an editor and publisher.  I had a few months where I thought I'd be an overseas missionary.  I thought I might not have a career if I became a mom.  I ended up in investment advising with no background in finance.

My twenties were a little bit adrift; maybe by thirty, I'll figure it out, with God's help.