Say Something.

I feel like, even in the middle of summer, this time of year will always be hard for me.  Not only did we lose Greg's cousin Jason to suicide in late June last year, the anniversary of Robin Williams' death is coming up in a few days (August 11th).  As you may recall, his death hit me a lot harder than most deaths have, and it is still resonating.

Since last year, I've been increasingly vocal about my struggle with depression and tried to spread the word to #stopthestigma around mental illness.  Often it's treated as a shameful thing, or something that one can "snap out of" or "just feel better."  But it's so much more than that, and with the power of social media and the internet, I now know just how not alone I am.

1 in 4 people in their lives will experience some sort of mental illness, yet we still don't talk about it.  At it's most basic, mental illness is the feeling of being alone.  Like no one else has gone through what you're going through, like no one else has felt what you are feeling.  And maybe, that no one else has the extreme lack of feeling that you have.  It's a solitary disease, and one that makes sure, through the symptoms, that you remain alone.  If you are depressed, you physically don't feel like going out.  All you want to do is sleep.  You are exhausted all the time.  All signs point to the solitary existence that takes over.

I read a quote recently that says suicide doesn't stop the pain - it just transfers it to someone else.  I think that is so true.  It's hard to realize at the time, because you feel so utterly alone in the world, but you aren't.  And even if they don't show it, there are a ton of people who are feeling your absence.  I see it with all of the people that hurt when they think of Greg's cousin Jason.  So many lives touched by how he took his.  Did he know that would happen? Did he realize that we are still feeling it, a year later?  How we'll continue to feel it?

But in that pain, in that world, you don't.  You assume no one cares.  Why might someone come to that conclusion?  Because they feel people don't care when they're alive.  Because others don't know how to bring it up, they don't bring it up at all.  To avoid being uncomfortable or embarrassed, they shove the problem into the background.  And in a world where you already feel alone, when no one talks about what's going on, it just makes it worse.  And in a world where it's not okay to talk about being depressed or having a mental illness, it's hard to bring it up.

It's time we opened up about how we feel.  It's time we stop judging others for their struggles, because if we look at ourselves, we have struggles too.  And sometimes they're more front and center, and sometimes no one knows about them.  In either case, the struggle exists.  If we all support each other, we can take steps towards healing.

I know it sounds like a big task to undertake.  But sometimes, truly, it's not.  It's a text, or a phone call.  Not even about depression, or mental illness.  Sometimes it's just a "Hey" or something about their job or their favorite sports team or their pet.  Sometimes it's just the fact that someone thought of you, and cares enough to ask about you.  And when you get close through these little conversations, ask how they're doing.  At first, they won't tell you a thing.  They'll pretend all is fine.  But I hope you know how important those little conversations are.  I hope you know the solid base you're building with that person.  Because when they do need help, when they do feel at the end of their fight, you just might be the person they reach out to.  Because you've proven you care.  They know they can count on you.  You may have no idea the struggle they are facing.  But you're about to.  And being there for someone is the best thing you can do.

I'm so encouraged by all of the stories that are coming out, all of the struggles brought into the light.  Only when things are in the light can we face them, and defeat them.  Satan works best in those dark, solitary places.  Don't allow him to overwhelm you.  Come into the light, and allow God and others to show you there's a better way.  John 1:5 - "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."  It doesn't mean the fight is over - probably far from it.  But at least you'll know you have a team of supporters.  And when you fall to the bottom, they'll be there to hold out a hand.  Allow them to.  Talk about it.  Let them remind you that you are a child of God, and you are wholly and deeply loved.  Cling to that in the hard times.  Rejoice in it in the good times.

But above all, let's talk about it.  So we all know, deep in our hearts, we're not alone.

**If you need someone to talk to, please contact me.  I'd be happy to speak with you about your struggle, and share mine.  #stopthestigma

She Speaks 2015 Conference

By now most of you know that I attended the She Speaks conference in Concord, North Carolina this past Friday and Saturday (July 24th and 25th).  I thought I'd give you a little rundown of the conference, plus it inspired me to write more, so this is my first attempt.  :)

I drove down to NC on Thursday.  For those of you who are wondering, it's about a 12 hour drive with stops.  (The rush hour traffic I hit in NC didn't help either.)  Once you got to the Appalachian mountains, though, it was a very pretty drive.  I checked into my hotel and got Chick-Fil-A for dinner, since we don't have those in mid-Michigan and they're pretty fantastic.  Yum!

Friday I was so nervous it was ridiculous.  I can't remember the last time I went to a conference by myself, and I knew no one.  Not one single other person.  The pep talk I gave myself was not nearly sufficient, but passable.  My room was on the sixth floor, and I took the elevator to the first, only to think I forgot my phone.  Back up to the sixth floor I went, when I realized I did have my phone (see what I mean?  Nerves.).  So back down to the first, when the elevator stops on the 4th floor, and I meet Courtney, also going to the conference.  Hallelujah and thank you God for sending me a friendly face!  Down at breakfast we met another woman, Michelle, who was going to the conference, and I was feeling a little better.

The conference itself was at the Embassy Suites, and they had all sorts of booths set up for vendors, authors, and publishers that attended.  Each morning and evening in the main sessions with everyone we had worship, and they had an incredible worship band.  That also helped to calm me down a little.  There were 800 women in attendance at this conference, and apparently 700 on the waiting list.  Kind of a big deal!  Lysa TerKeurst, an incredible author and one of the leaders at Proverbs 31 ministries, gave the opening message.  Then we went to different breakout sessions.  My publisher appointment was at 11:45am with an editorial director, and oh boy, the nerves came back!  Thankfully they had the sweetest Southern lady checking people in and out, and we chatted for a while waiting for the editor.  God is so good.

I spoke with the editor, who was super nice and seemed interested in my work - yay!  Since I literally just finished my manuscript and they aren't accepting fiction right now, she told me to take a few weeks to edit my work before I sent her the proposal.  Honestly, I was really happy with that because a) my proposal won't get lost in the tons of proposals she will receive from the conference and b) I could use some time to edit it and make sure it's right!  I felt good coming out of the meeting, and felt really good getting my first "real" meeting with a publisher accomplished.

In the afternoon I met with a self-publishing company and learned all about what they have to offer and how the process works for self-publishing.  It's fairly involved, and almost two thirds of books now are self-published.  It was good to understand the process and learn what goes into it for sure.

The first day didn't end till about 10pm!  The second day was great as well, with a session from Lysa TerKeurst herself on how to write a book - very informative!  It surprised me that at least 90% of the writers at the conference (because there were speakers as well) were non-fiction writers (devotionals, Christian living, memoir, etc.).  I was a little unique in my fiction writing, which I was not expecting!

I was so glad to be a part of this conference.  I learned so much, got to speak with authors with experience, learn more about the publishing and agenting and editing world, and worship with some great ladies.  I met a lot of wonderful people there and am excited (even more) to continue with my writing aspirations.  I'm seriously considering going back next year and learning even more.

I'm still a long way off from a book deal, but it was so awesome to take this first step and to gain more confidence in my writing.  I believe I'm following God's path for my life, and I am trying to follow the steps He places in front of me, this conference being one of them.  I think as long as I rely on Him and His timing, I'll be able to complete the work He's prepared in advance for me to do, which is so exciting!

Prayers for my journey are very appreciated!  :)

Thoughts in Church

In my house growing up, we didn't go to church.  Like, not even on holidays.  So sometimes, even though I've been going to church for quite a while, I still feel like an outsider.  (Especially when they reference some sort of song or something that apparently children learn and then say, "come on, everyone knows this!" Um, no they don't.  But thanks for pointing it out.) 

I often wonder what other people think about when they're in church, especially those that have been going to church for a while.  These are my thoughts while in church - what are yours?

Entering the Sanctuary: "What do those colors mean?"  We go to a Lutheran church, and there are certain colors that correspond with certain...holidays?  I'm still not sure.  Sometimes there isn't a color, and I'm not sure what that means either. But I know there's red, which I think has something to do with Pentecost maybe?  Green is in the summer, because it was green when I got married.  White...maybe Easter?  You can see these colors have had a profound effect on me.  I know they are important and ritualistic for reasons that are important to other people, but they don't mean much to me.  They're not normally talked about.  I usually ask Greg what they mean (he attended a Lutheran church all his life and went to Lutheran school) and he can help me out.  But that's usually my normal first thought.  

Greeting one another:  I'm not going to sugarcoat it: I HATE THIS PART.  Honestly, the worst part of church.  Greeting one another - really?  Shaking the hands of the people around me - is that supposed to make me feel welcome?  It's never enough time to get a conversation going because everyone is always moving on to the next person, and honestly, I don't know if I would want to strike up a conversation with some random stranger that happens to be sitting next to me at church.  There's no point.  Even if you know everyone around you and can say "good morning" to them, that's all you get.  Again, no meaningful conversation here.  And we used to do this at His House too, where I DID know everyone around me, and I still hated it.  Ugh.  This is what's called a "cringe factor" to me - something that is uncomfortable enough to make a newcomer cringe or never come back.  Yikes.  

Opening Music: We sing 3-4 songs to open the service.  I honestly love the music part.  I normally listen to Air1, a Christian rock radio station, and music speaks to me (wow, cliche much?).  Sometimes they play old school songs that we used to play at His House, and those really mean a lot to me, because those were the first Christian songs I heard.  Give me a good "Open the Eyes of my Heart" or "Breathe" or "Amazing Love" and I'm happy.  There are a couple of songs that are honestly really overdone, but I muscle through those and just pray that wasn't the last song they are doing.  :)

The Message: I normally like the message.  Both of our pastors are excellent speakers that talk about relevant topics.  I bring a little journal with me and write down verses that speak to me or something the pastor said that was profound.  

The Offering: I don't mind this part; however, we give online (because our church offers that option) and I still feel weird not putting anything in there.  I want to let the people know around me "We give online!"  I think that might just be me being insecure.  

The Lord's Prayer:  This is the one part of our service that we say in unison as a church.  Sometimes it's difficult to not just say it and not really think about it.  I try to focus on the "Give us this day our daily bread" part because it reminds me that God will provide, even if it's a day at a time.  And really, that's all we need, is just today's worries.  We don't need to borrow tomorrow's.  

Communion:  We do communion every week at our church, and I think it might be one of my favorite parts (and not just because the wine is really good).  I told myself that if I survived my depression and cutting, I would thank Jesus for how many times he rescued me as a teenager.  because he did - over and over and over.  So every week when I take the wine, I look up at the cross over the altar and thank Jesus - over and over and over.  Thank him for saving my life, for believing in me, for loving me enough to not leave me where I was, but help me to be more centered in Him.  Communion is a time that helps me remember my relationship with Christ's origins, and how far I've come.  It encourages me to keep on going and live the life He wanted for me.  It reminds me of how truly truly loved I am.  

I'd love to hear your favorite/least favorite parts of church :)

Share Love

So the holidays are over and we're 12 days into the New Year.  Is that too early to give up on New Year's Resolutions?  Just kidding.  I'm still on track, though it's a little ugly.  (Running a 5k after quite a while of not running = an ugly finish time.  But it just means I have more room for improvement, right?)

Thinking about resolutions, I was listening to Air 1 (a Christian radio station - look them up to see if there's a station near you!) and they were talking about resolutions in one word.  Along with the resolutions I had already made, I decided to add one more:  share love.  I know it's two words, but I think both are important.  I know it's not technically a SMART goal (sustainable, measurable, attainable, realistic, timely) but I am viewing it as something to continue on throughout my life.

Sharing love.  Something that sounds great, but how do I put it into practice?  How can I share love with others?  I've resolved to donate at least 5 quilts and 10 burp cloths to the Pregnancy Resource Center in Midland this year - I think that's one way.  But sometimes the hardest way to share love is with the people that we are closest with.  Yes, an oxymoron, but one that is so so true.

When we think of sharing our faith with others, it's often easiest to share it with strangers.  To take a chance that has no consequences (what do you have to lose?).  But share with those that we love the most?  To truly ask them what their stance is and hear the answer (and not judge if it's something we don't like)?  That's scary.  It's terrifying, actually.

Our pastor gave a somewhat uncomfortable message this past week.  He asked us if we felt the world was inherently good or inherently evil.  Then he told us so many facts that obliterated any belief that the world is good.  Did you know that in the world, 1,000 people are murdered every minute?  Yes, every minute.  In the 25 minute message, 25,000 people lost their lives at the hands of another.  And this was just one example that he used to make a point.  The world is inherently bad.  Left to our own devices, we will always choose the lazy way, the violent way, the wrong way, the angry way.  As much as we try to fight it, that is our natural inclination.

It's an ugly fate to think about.  But even though I do agree the world is inherently evil, I also believe whole-heartedly that people are capable of good.  We all have the ability to choose light, to choose peace, to choose joy, to love those around us and cause no harm.  That is our choice, and even though it's never ever easy, we can always make the decision to choose the right way.

The beauty of grace is wrapped up in being capable of good.  Even though we mess up (a lot, all the time), grace forgives.  Grace doesn't hold it against us.  A new slate - every morning.  A new beginning with each sunrise.  A new chance to get it right.

Don't get me wrong - I get irritated with myself hundreds of times a day because of the thousand little choices that I mess up.  And I get even more irritated when I make the same mistakes.  It's so frustrating!  Why can't I just get it right, establish a habit, have the right choice come naturally?  But it doesn't, and it might get a little easier, but it will never be natural.  The consequence of the world, the consequence of the fall - we know the difference between good and evil.

Did you know God regretted creating humans?  Before the Flood, he said that he regretted his creation.  Hello - that was us.  He was going to wipe us all out because we were so evil and so terrible to one another and to ourselves.  He saw no good in any of us - except one.  Noah was good - Noah made the right choices.  Oh, he messed up, but God saw he was CAPABLE of good.  And God spared him.  If that's not an amazing message, I don't know what is.

So this year, I know I am capable of good, no matter how many wrong choices I make.  And I'm choosing to share love with others, so they can also know they are capable of good.  We mess up every day, repeating mistakes, falling short.  But there is always the ability to choose good, to choose love, to show it to others.  I hope you'll join me in my quest to show others what they are capable of, and what they can achieve.  Knowing I'm loved by the Creator who knows I mess up all the time - and loves me anyway.  Who has the ability to wipe us off the face of the Earth - but doesn't because He knows what we can do if we really want to.

Resolve to be your best self today.  Resolve to share love with others.  Help them to know, in the midst of their mistakes, how loved they truly are by you and their creator.  Making mistakes is inevitable, but sharing love is a choice.  Choose love.

The Silent Killer

Normally things don't really affect me the way they probably should, in the context of deaths. Yesterday, however, was different.  When my husband told me that Robin Williams died, I was first deeply rooted in denial (ask him).  He had to tell me several times that he was serious.  After that, I cried off and on most of the night.  I curled up under a blanket, and thought of all of the movies in which Robin Williams touched my life.  The fact that he battled depression and hung himself made the situation worse.

For those of you who don't know, I battle depression.  I was diagnosed at 17 and was on medication until my mid-twenties.  I engaged in self-harm in adolescence, though thankfully most of the physical scars have healed.  And I will tell you, depression is one mean monster.

First of all, it's silent.  No one can see what you're going through.  You don't even know what you're going through.  All you know is you feel down all the time, and sometimes, you don't feel anything at all.  Nothing matters.  The light dims, the edges fade in, and it's just you, the world gray and fuzzy, lost in a world seemingly of your own making that even if they wanted to, no one can break in.

Sure, you can function during the day.  You can even laugh sometimes, pretend all is right.  But those alone times, those nights when there's no distractions, nothing from the color seeping out of your world, those are the worst.

People don't understand it.  They tell you, "Well...just be happier!" or "Can't you get over it?" or "Stop faking it for attention." or "I don't see anything wrong."  They assume you are weak.  They think, "Well, she was just fine today and now she's depressed?"  They can't know the monster lurking at the edges of your vision.  Sometimes you can push him aside.  Sometimes you can't.

Depression is a battle that is never-ending.  Even now, I have bouts of sadness, lethargy.  My husband deals with it the best he can, but he doesn't understand, and I don't expect him to.  I'm just glad he doesn't try to fix it, doesn't tell me to "get over it."  Because there's no such thing.

I can tell you about the dopamine and the serotonin levels that are unbalanced in my brain.  That my neural receptors don't send and receive the chemicals they way they should, which affects brain function.  That's all true.  But it's not particularly helpful when there's a great big world and you don't feel like you're a part of it.

Those who suffer from depression are great actors.  It's when we're alone that the monster comes out to play.  For me, I resorted to cutting.  That knife on my inner wrist meant pain, and pain meant feeling.  Any feeling was better than no feeling at all.  The blood reminded me I was alive, that color existed, that feelings could still be felt.  I'll admit that it took me many years to not have a knife handy at night in case I needed it.  Many years.

In light of Robin Williams' death, the taking of his own life, I pray that we all remember that everyone is fighting a battle, and we don't know what the other person is dealing with.  We have no way of knowing the demons that possess their lives.  Please be kind to those around you.  Even if you don't understand, please don't judge.  And please tell those you love that you love them.  Repeatedly.  Communication is key for those with depression.  Knowing they're not alone, knowing they can talk to someone, bringing back that color and sharpening the edges of the world they've fallen into can mean everything.

I also encourage those with depression to talk to someone about it.  Someone you trust.  Know you're not alone in this battle, and know that others have gone before you and won.  The war is never over, but the battles can be victorious.

If anyone needs a listening ear, please please get in contact with me.  I beg you to understand your worth.  You are so loved, so valued, so cherished.  Allow others to team up with you and beat back the darkness.  Be brave and courageous in your journey.  You are not alone.

Small Decisions

We all like to think it's the big decisions that change our lives.  And sometimes, it truly is.  Where you go to college.  Who you marry.  Your career path.  All important (and big) decisions.

But I think I've decided to focus more on the small decisions.  I feel like I make a thousand small decisions a day, sometimes not even realizing I'm making them, and it impacts my life in ways that I still don't know about.  Right now I'm just grateful for the awareness that it does, and the power to change it.

Let's take eating healthy as an example.  I can set a big lofty goal of losing thirty pounds this summer.  I can even set smaller goals of losing 2 pounds a week.  But honestly?  The decisions that would help the most?  NOT going out to eat for lunch.  Eating something healthy instead of cookies.  Doing one more set at the gym (or one more mile).  Going for a walk instead of sitting in my chair.  Everyday decisions that, in the moment, don't seem so momentous.  (Sidebar - I wanted to type monumentous but that's apparently not a word.  Who knew?)  Am I really going to miss that serving of *insert unhealthy thing here*?  Is my body really going to break down if I walk more?

But I think, all of those small decisions together, can really add up.  Not to mention, my  habits will gradually change.  Something I'm in need of, but can't get myself to do in sweeping changes.  You're supposed to "know thyself" right?  Well I know there's no way I can cut out sweets or what-have-you in one fell swoop.  Maybe the small decisions will help.

Another example - writing.  I've been making progress in my novel idea (ha ha...it's a pun) but not in the way one would think.  I wrote approximately 30,000 words, and am now reworking the story, characters, plot, and structure.  I plan on completely starting over (with the same characters and idea though) and start at the beginning.  But sometimes, it's so easy to come up with excuses.  I work a full time job.  I am trying to make working out a priority.  Blah blah blah.

BUT if I make small decisions and just work on it a little, I'll get more done.  Write every day, isn't that what they tell you?  So today I had discipline (and a little encouragement from a fellow writer, a friend and coworker) and worked on my outline.  And it felt great!  I love to write!  I am hoping I can continue to make progress toward my goal of a completed novel.  And I feel like these little decisions will help me on that journey.

What about you?  Do you do better with the BIG decisions and stick with it?  Or do small decisions work best for you?  I'm actually a little excited to start.  It takes a lot of pressure off to focus on just one decision, right now.  We'll see how it goes.  :)

Regrets

So I watched a TED talk today about not regretting regrets.  (If you don't know what TED is, I encourage you to visit www.ted.com - they have amazing talks from industry experts on all sorts of topics).  Here's the link to the one I watched:

http://www.ted.com/talks/kathryn_schulz_don_t_regret_regret?utm_medium=on.ted.com-facebook-share&utm_source=facebook.com&awesm=on.ted.com_c0Bt8&utm_content=awesm-publisher&utm_campaign=

Anyway, it really got me thinking about regrets.  I consistently say I only have one regret in life; that I didn't apply to University of Michigan to see if I would've been accepted.  You may think that it's a silly regret, but to me it was very important.  I did all of the applications, wrote all the essays, got recommendations from U of M alums.  I just didn't submit it.  And I truly regret it.  Greg has an acceptance letter from U of M; I'll never know if, in high school, I would've been accepted.

But really?  I only have one regret?  The talk details that we, as a society, are prone to making sure we don't have regrets (or we don't admit them).  We learned that lesson, it made us stronger, etc.  And all of that might be true, but I also think it's okay to have regrets.  To wish a situation was different.  To wonder what it would've been like.

I do think it's necessary to be at peace with your past decisions and learn from them; however, as in the TED talk, there's a process you have to go through.  Admit it, understand it, laugh at it, allow yourself some time to get used to it.  But it's okay to still regret it.

I have an issue with feeling inadequate.  Not good enough.  A failure.  It's something I've struggled with all my life and am honestly still working on.  There are always (believe me) things that one can feel inadequate about.  Part of my perfectionist, control-freak attitude is so I don't feel embarrassed or stupid in a situation, so I don't feel not good enough.

But you know what that gets me?  Not going for it.  Not taking risks.  Not allowing myself to step out on a limb and try something new or hard or different.  Not applying to U of M.

In some ways, my "one" regret represents exactly what I fear most.  What I constantly try to avoid, so I have no other regrets.

Thankfully, I've been encouraged through my faith to try new things.  There's been so many new things I've tried and failed at the last few years, it's been crazy.  I've tried to start a business with my quilting; that didn't work out.  I tried to go back to school; that wasn't the right path.  Two huge decisions that failed.  And you know what?  I'm actually stronger for them.  I have more self-esteem; I have more self-worth.  Sometimes, letting yourself face the thing you fear most can give you a profound sense of freedom from those chains.

I encourage you to feel your decisions, allow yourself to be upset by them, allow time to pass so you can heal, but then move on.  Have regrets.  It means you've lived.  And you're still living.