The Silent Killer

Normally things don't really affect me the way they probably should, in the context of deaths. Yesterday, however, was different.  When my husband told me that Robin Williams died, I was first deeply rooted in denial (ask him).  He had to tell me several times that he was serious.  After that, I cried off and on most of the night.  I curled up under a blanket, and thought of all of the movies in which Robin Williams touched my life.  The fact that he battled depression and hung himself made the situation worse.

For those of you who don't know, I battle depression.  I was diagnosed at 17 and was on medication until my mid-twenties.  I engaged in self-harm in adolescence, though thankfully most of the physical scars have healed.  And I will tell you, depression is one mean monster.

First of all, it's silent.  No one can see what you're going through.  You don't even know what you're going through.  All you know is you feel down all the time, and sometimes, you don't feel anything at all.  Nothing matters.  The light dims, the edges fade in, and it's just you, the world gray and fuzzy, lost in a world seemingly of your own making that even if they wanted to, no one can break in.

Sure, you can function during the day.  You can even laugh sometimes, pretend all is right.  But those alone times, those nights when there's no distractions, nothing from the color seeping out of your world, those are the worst.

People don't understand it.  They tell you, "Well...just be happier!" or "Can't you get over it?" or "Stop faking it for attention." or "I don't see anything wrong."  They assume you are weak.  They think, "Well, she was just fine today and now she's depressed?"  They can't know the monster lurking at the edges of your vision.  Sometimes you can push him aside.  Sometimes you can't.

Depression is a battle that is never-ending.  Even now, I have bouts of sadness, lethargy.  My husband deals with it the best he can, but he doesn't understand, and I don't expect him to.  I'm just glad he doesn't try to fix it, doesn't tell me to "get over it."  Because there's no such thing.

I can tell you about the dopamine and the serotonin levels that are unbalanced in my brain.  That my neural receptors don't send and receive the chemicals they way they should, which affects brain function.  That's all true.  But it's not particularly helpful when there's a great big world and you don't feel like you're a part of it.

Those who suffer from depression are great actors.  It's when we're alone that the monster comes out to play.  For me, I resorted to cutting.  That knife on my inner wrist meant pain, and pain meant feeling.  Any feeling was better than no feeling at all.  The blood reminded me I was alive, that color existed, that feelings could still be felt.  I'll admit that it took me many years to not have a knife handy at night in case I needed it.  Many years.

In light of Robin Williams' death, the taking of his own life, I pray that we all remember that everyone is fighting a battle, and we don't know what the other person is dealing with.  We have no way of knowing the demons that possess their lives.  Please be kind to those around you.  Even if you don't understand, please don't judge.  And please tell those you love that you love them.  Repeatedly.  Communication is key for those with depression.  Knowing they're not alone, knowing they can talk to someone, bringing back that color and sharpening the edges of the world they've fallen into can mean everything.

I also encourage those with depression to talk to someone about it.  Someone you trust.  Know you're not alone in this battle, and know that others have gone before you and won.  The war is never over, but the battles can be victorious.

If anyone needs a listening ear, please please get in contact with me.  I beg you to understand your worth.  You are so loved, so valued, so cherished.  Allow others to team up with you and beat back the darkness.  Be brave and courageous in your journey.  You are not alone.

Small Decisions

We all like to think it's the big decisions that change our lives.  And sometimes, it truly is.  Where you go to college.  Who you marry.  Your career path.  All important (and big) decisions.

But I think I've decided to focus more on the small decisions.  I feel like I make a thousand small decisions a day, sometimes not even realizing I'm making them, and it impacts my life in ways that I still don't know about.  Right now I'm just grateful for the awareness that it does, and the power to change it.

Let's take eating healthy as an example.  I can set a big lofty goal of losing thirty pounds this summer.  I can even set smaller goals of losing 2 pounds a week.  But honestly?  The decisions that would help the most?  NOT going out to eat for lunch.  Eating something healthy instead of cookies.  Doing one more set at the gym (or one more mile).  Going for a walk instead of sitting in my chair.  Everyday decisions that, in the moment, don't seem so momentous.  (Sidebar - I wanted to type monumentous but that's apparently not a word.  Who knew?)  Am I really going to miss that serving of *insert unhealthy thing here*?  Is my body really going to break down if I walk more?

But I think, all of those small decisions together, can really add up.  Not to mention, my  habits will gradually change.  Something I'm in need of, but can't get myself to do in sweeping changes.  You're supposed to "know thyself" right?  Well I know there's no way I can cut out sweets or what-have-you in one fell swoop.  Maybe the small decisions will help.

Another example - writing.  I've been making progress in my novel idea (ha ha...it's a pun) but not in the way one would think.  I wrote approximately 30,000 words, and am now reworking the story, characters, plot, and structure.  I plan on completely starting over (with the same characters and idea though) and start at the beginning.  But sometimes, it's so easy to come up with excuses.  I work a full time job.  I am trying to make working out a priority.  Blah blah blah.

BUT if I make small decisions and just work on it a little, I'll get more done.  Write every day, isn't that what they tell you?  So today I had discipline (and a little encouragement from a fellow writer, a friend and coworker) and worked on my outline.  And it felt great!  I love to write!  I am hoping I can continue to make progress toward my goal of a completed novel.  And I feel like these little decisions will help me on that journey.

What about you?  Do you do better with the BIG decisions and stick with it?  Or do small decisions work best for you?  I'm actually a little excited to start.  It takes a lot of pressure off to focus on just one decision, right now.  We'll see how it goes.  :)

Regrets

So I watched a TED talk today about not regretting regrets.  (If you don't know what TED is, I encourage you to visit www.ted.com - they have amazing talks from industry experts on all sorts of topics).  Here's the link to the one I watched:

http://www.ted.com/talks/kathryn_schulz_don_t_regret_regret?utm_medium=on.ted.com-facebook-share&utm_source=facebook.com&awesm=on.ted.com_c0Bt8&utm_content=awesm-publisher&utm_campaign=

Anyway, it really got me thinking about regrets.  I consistently say I only have one regret in life; that I didn't apply to University of Michigan to see if I would've been accepted.  You may think that it's a silly regret, but to me it was very important.  I did all of the applications, wrote all the essays, got recommendations from U of M alums.  I just didn't submit it.  And I truly regret it.  Greg has an acceptance letter from U of M; I'll never know if, in high school, I would've been accepted.

But really?  I only have one regret?  The talk details that we, as a society, are prone to making sure we don't have regrets (or we don't admit them).  We learned that lesson, it made us stronger, etc.  And all of that might be true, but I also think it's okay to have regrets.  To wish a situation was different.  To wonder what it would've been like.

I do think it's necessary to be at peace with your past decisions and learn from them; however, as in the TED talk, there's a process you have to go through.  Admit it, understand it, laugh at it, allow yourself some time to get used to it.  But it's okay to still regret it.

I have an issue with feeling inadequate.  Not good enough.  A failure.  It's something I've struggled with all my life and am honestly still working on.  There are always (believe me) things that one can feel inadequate about.  Part of my perfectionist, control-freak attitude is so I don't feel embarrassed or stupid in a situation, so I don't feel not good enough.

But you know what that gets me?  Not going for it.  Not taking risks.  Not allowing myself to step out on a limb and try something new or hard or different.  Not applying to U of M.

In some ways, my "one" regret represents exactly what I fear most.  What I constantly try to avoid, so I have no other regrets.

Thankfully, I've been encouraged through my faith to try new things.  There's been so many new things I've tried and failed at the last few years, it's been crazy.  I've tried to start a business with my quilting; that didn't work out.  I tried to go back to school; that wasn't the right path.  Two huge decisions that failed.  And you know what?  I'm actually stronger for them.  I have more self-esteem; I have more self-worth.  Sometimes, letting yourself face the thing you fear most can give you a profound sense of freedom from those chains.

I encourage you to feel your decisions, allow yourself to be upset by them, allow time to pass so you can heal, but then move on.  Have regrets.  It means you've lived.  And you're still living.

Sunday Morning Debate

In case you didn't know this about me, I didn't grow up Christian.  Religious affiliations weren't really mentioned.  We had a children's Bible, and my grandparents were Catholic and I knew my parents were both raised Catholic, but we didn't go to church.

In 2006, I was baptized.  Since then, my Sunday morning routine has changed dramatically.  When I was in high school, I worked on Sunday mornings.  In college, I slept in.  Now, I go to church.

And I've noticed that something happens every morning.  I have a debate with myself.  My alarm goes off about 20 minutes before I have to get up (two snooze cycles).  In that time, I go through the same debate.  Every.  Single.  Week.  "Should I go to church today?"  "Sleep sounds soooo nice right now."  "I normally only get one day to sleep in, another would be nice."  "Would I really be missing anything?"

Thankfully, Greg was raised Lutheran and they went to church.  Every week, without fail.  So for him, it's not even a question; it's just what you do.  You go to church on Sundays.  So it's nice that I know he'll want to go, so I have to get up.  But I find it interesting that this debate happens to me all the time.

And you know what happens when I go to church?  I'm changed.  Now, I don't want you to think I have a life-altering revelation every week, because I don't.  And I don't want you to think that my church is without its issues and problems, because it's not.  But I will tell you that something normally happens that makes me glad I went.  It might be the music, which is a HUGE part of my worship (there was a guest band playing this week and they played a song I LOVE), it might be the message, or perhaps a stirring video, or even communion and prayer.  But whatever it is on each particular week, I'm glad I went.

This makes me believe that forces are working against me - telling me that not going to church is better than going.  Because if I don't go, I won't grow stronger with God.  My relationship won't solidify as much; my faith won't be as grounded.  And that, my friends, is the devil's ideal playground - a doubting soul.  A worried heart.  A troubled mind.  Anywhere he can niggle a little doubt, the better.  But church can help settle the soul, calm the heart, reassure the mind.  It allows us to know our place, our identity, and who is ultimately in control.  It allows us to reaffirm our commitment to our faith and to the works God has called us to do.  It reminds us of his great love, and how we're never alone.

All of those things I would miss out on for a few hours of sleep (which, as I mentioned before, I can get on Saturday).  PLUS, as an extra bonus, since I'm already awake and up, I get so much more done on Sundays.  It's a double-win.

Does anyone else go through this debate like I do?  If so, have you been a lifetime church-goer, or is your faith new?  Are you in Greg's boat where it's just something that you do, or do you struggle?

Be assured, friends.  God loves you and wants to know you.  Do you want to know Him?

PS - if you do, and don't know where to start, let me know.  The joy you'll find is the best thing I've ever known.  :)

Marriage Lessons

I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately, probably for two reasons:  1) my hubby and I will be married five years in July and 2) my coworkers and I talk a lot about it.  Out of the core group of us, 3 are married and 2 are not, so it actually comes up a lot.  So I thought I would write down some nuggets of understanding I've learned so far.  :)

First of all, I asked my hubby about it and had three:  Pick your battles, don't sweat the small stuff, and pay attention.  That's the guy's perspective (short and sweet, like always).

Mine are below:

1. Marriage is forever.  If you go into it thinking you have an out (divorce), you will inevitably take that out.  Know that marriage is hard.  It's hard to be with one person for the rest of your life.  You both will change, and situations will change, and the people around you will change.  If you decide to get married because it's that time, or you don't think you'll find anyone better, or you are pressured into it by family members, it's not for the right reasons, and it will most likely fail.  I don't want to be pessimistic here, but realistic.  Half of marriages end in divorce; many of them because it got too hard, or someone thought there was something better out there, or communication broke down.  There is NO backing out of this if you decide to take the leap.   If you get into a fight, take a breather until you both calm down, then work it out.  This is forever.
2. Marriage is a thousand choices every day.  And newsflash: it's the same choice.  You have to choose your partner, over and over again, every day.  This ties in with the first point but is important enough to be its own.  
3. Communication is key.  If you can't communicate with your partner, you aren't going to make it.  I've seen it first hand.  Make sure they're your best friend, and you can talk to them about anything.  I tell Greg things I've never told anyone else.  At our very core, it's the conversations we have that keep us close (along with our faith).  Go out on a date, somewhere with no TVs.  Talk about your days.  Learn about each other.  Though I know a lot about him, I'm still learning about my husband.  He shows me new sides of him still.  And when we fight, sometimes it takes us a while to get to the real issue (because the start of the fight is almost never the real issue).  Wait it out.  Talk about it.  Yell about it if you have to (it works for us).  But make sure  you choose each other at the end of it.  (See Point #2).
4. The first year of marriage is the hardest.  This one is sort of a cliche, but I found it to be so true.  Greg and I lived together a few months before we got married, but for some reason being married changes everything.  All of the sudden, all of those habits come out.  How do you celebrate Christmas?  What traditions from each of your families are you going to keep?  Which ones are you going to create for yourselves?  Does he mow the lawn and shovel the snow as often as you think it should be done?  Does she do the dishes and vacuum, or does the house drive you nuts while she's out gardening?  Do either of you have a hobby that takes up a lot of time/money?  Do you like mayonnaise and she likes Miracle Whip?  All of these questions you find answers to in the first year, and it's very hard to meld together two different styles of life.  We had to figure out what works for us and what doesn't.  (For instance, Greg shovels/snow blows more often than he'd probably like because that's what I like.  I put my shoes away as soon as I get home instead of leaving them next to the door.)
5. Pick your battles.   This one was one of my husband's and I definitely agree with.  Sometimes it's just not worth the fight.  Just do the dishes.  Just take care of the mail.  If you end up fighting about everything, you'll lose that connection that brought you together.  Make sure whatever you want to fight about is the hill you want to die on, so to speak.  Other times...let it go.  If it still bugs you three weeks later, then bring it up.  Otherwise, let yourself have a little peace.
6. Marry your best friend.  Another sort of cliche, but still true.  I couldn't imagine my life without Greg, which is part of the reason why I married him.  He knows more about me than anyone else.  Yes, I have awesome girlfriends who I love dearly, but at the end of the day, he's my best friend.  If I had to do something with someone, he'd be my first choice.  Having that connection makes sure you don't focus too much on the physical, but on the friendship.  The friendship will carry you through.
7. Keep working on bettering yourself.  As I mentioned above, our fights are rarely about what is first brought up.  They are normally more about something that happened to us as kids, or a habit we formed, and it's manifesting itself in our actions.  And a lot of times, it takes us a while to understand what's really going on. But use those times to better yourself.  Be self-aware enough to know that you're messed up.  (Newsflash: everyone is.)  Work through those issues that you have.  Allow your spouse to help.  It can be a very healing exercise, and lets you become the best "you" you can be.  Don't lose yourself to your marriage.  Always know who you are, and know that you are better together than apart.
8. Have other friends.  This may seem a little contradictory to #6, but both are important.  As much as I love spending time with my husband, if I spent all of my time with him, we'd both drive each other nuts.  Having other friends allows us a little break, to be ourselves outside of our marriage, and come back to each other refreshed.  You inevitably start becoming like the person you married, so outside influences are helpful to remember who you are.
9. Challenge each other.  Stagnation is almost never a good thing.  Make sure you encourage each other to strive toward goals. Understand what your partner's passion is; help them pursue it.  Be each other's biggest cheerleader.  This will help you grow closer as a couple and grow individually.  Win-Win.

I'm no marriage expert, but these are the things that I've learned (and just a few of them at that).  We don't have kids, so none of my lessons revolve around children (though I'm sure if we do, I could have a whole other blog post about it).  

What lessons have you learned in marriage?  Let me know!

Making the World Suck Less

So I just finished The Fault in our Stars by John Green.  OF COURSE I cried, silly!  Definitely recommend though.  The feels.  They burn sometimes.

Anyway, I actually read the acknowledgments section because 1) it came at the end of the book and 2) I couldn't believe the book was over so I kept reading.  And one of the acknowledgments was to someone "for wanting nothing more than to make the world suck less."

In light of this book, it's actually a profound statement.  In light of this book and the message at church on Sunday, it's bordering on prophetic.  The message on Sunday was about hell - literally.  A rich man finds himself in hell (which sounds awful, by the way) and wants to warn his brothers.  Abraham tells him they already have Moses and the Prophets (the Old Testament) so they have enough to discern their own fate.   Powerful stuff in itself, but material for a later post.

Then our senior pastor said something that really stuck with me.  He said that this life it the only time we get to give to other people.  Think about it - some people don't believe in an afterlife, so you're done right there.  But me, I believe in heaven and hell.  And in heaven, everyone will have everything they need - no need to give to other people.  They'll already have their needs taken care of, the love and comfort from others and from God, and we'll have everything we need.  In hell, eternal agony leaves no place for giving.  I'm not even sure you can see other people there.

So now.  Just now we have in order to serve others and give to them, whether it be gifts, time, a listening ear.  Whatever it is, now is the time, and the only time, to do it.  All of those good intentions (what is it that the road to hell is paved with?), all of those hesitations, those turn-away moments where courage fails you and you stick with the status quo.  Those all go away.  Opportunities wasted. Chances surrendered.

Life is short, my friends.  Whether a book like The Fault in our Stars reminds you or you don't need reminding, please know that we need each other.  We need to be there for each other, in whatever way that means the most to you.  Please don't pass up your chance.  Love others.  Let them love you.  And make the world suck a little less.

Helping us THROUGH it

I've been thinking a lot about how difficult faith is (see my last post).  Like I had mentioned, I try not to tell people faith is easy, because it certainly isn't.  Sometimes it seems like the hardest things happen to those who have faith in God.  It's certainly a particular point that non-Christians like to argue - if your God is so faithful, why can't He prevent bad things from happening?

My answer is He absolutely can.  But He doesn't.  Why?  Because first of all, this is a fallen world, and we have free will.  This Earth is not God's kingdom but Satan's, and sin is all around us (even in us!).  The other reason is because getting us through the hard times is what brings us closer to God.

Think about it - I know that we praise God when we are in a fruitful season in our lives, but how much more do we depend on Him when things are hard?  How much more do we talk to Him, rely on His strength and comfort, allow Him to hold a place in our heart?  It's a terrible situation to be sure, but sometimes that's the only way we'll talk to Him.  Without it, we would be silent, claiming to know everything and have everything figured out.  Bad things/situations are a way to draw His children back to God.

Without God, I wouldn't be able to handle the bad times.  I wouldn't be able to draw on His strength when mine fails.  I wouldn't be able to offer a helping hand when my situation isn't much better.  I wouldn't be able to let go of my bitterness of whatever situation I had to face without His peace.  I think sometimes that's why people are so lost, so bitter, so mean in this world.  They don't have any resources, any reservoir tank to draw from when their strength runs out, when their smile fades, when their lives look hopeless.  Without God, there is no peace and joy.  Without peace and joy, this is a (let's face it) terrible place to live.

God helps us THROUGH all of those things.  Sometimes those things happen on purpose - a sudden cancer diagnosis, a car accident, a job loss that makes no sense.  Those are the times that we need to lean on Him the MOST.  Those are the times He's crying out to us to use His strength to get through it.  To talk to Him about the problems that seem to just pile up.  He won't always remove the situation (like Paul's thorn) but you can glorify Him through the pain.  You can lift Him up and allow Him to comfort you.  What a wonderful thing!   Relying on the King of the Universe seems like a much better plan than relying on myself.  I know I'm nowhere near strong enough or able enough to handle the huge, huge problems of this world.  Thankfully, I know someone who is.  And He never leaves my side.

Christianity is hard.  But I think it would be an awful lot harder to go through life with no hope, no joy, no peace.  Nothing to look forward to after this.

If you have questions about anything, please let me know!!  I promise I don't bite, and I'd love to talk to you about the awesome God of the universe.

The Hardest Thing I've Ever Done

I feel like I've been through a lot in my life already.  I've had crazy ups and downs, even in just the past few years.  I've dared to try way more things than I ever dreamed of, and even though they didn't work out (yet?) I haven't lost my sense of self-worth - the one I just recently fought for and attained.  Life is truly unpredictable.

But I realized something recently that will hopefully help me along my journey.  The hardest thing I've done up until this point?  My faith.

Honestly.  Believing in Jesus as my Savior and doing my best to follow Him daily has been the hardest thing I've ever tried to accomplish, and the job will never be complete.  I'm constantly questioning the love I don't deserve, if I'm doing enough to glorify God, how I can continue to serve Him with the gifts He's blessed me with, being convicted when I screw up (repeatedly), frustration when answers don't come, lack of commitment in myself to my prayer and Bible-reading endeavors, laziness in all areas of life, and a lack of understanding in everything about God that I struggle with.  The best word I have for it is HARD.

It's easy for God.  He loves us no matter what.  He cares about us, our well-being, our worth in Him, and wants us to have a fulfilling relationship with Him.  God saved me over and over throughout my life, even when I didn't know him, even when I opened the pages of a Bible a friend gave me and had no idea what it meant, even when the blood spilled down my arm and the knife was pushing against my skin.  He was always there, through everything, loving no matter what.

Is that part of the problem?  Knowing I am innately sinful, completely human, solely messy?  I'll never live up to God, and we know it and He knows it.  I don't think it's that.  I think it must be something to do with all of the things we are "supposed" to do.  We're supposed to go to church regularly.  Serve others.  Help the homeless.  Love others.  Volunteer your weekends.  Give tithes AND offerings (yes, two different things).  Volunteer at church.  Give it all up to follow His will.

But what does that mean?  I used to think I was meant to be a missionary - until I tried it.  Now I know that's not what God wants me to do.  But coming home to the comforts I've been blessed with - sometimes it feels wrong.  Like I'm not sacrificing enough for God.  Like I should be miserable in order to earn God's favor.

I know I am strong in my faith.  I know Jesus is enough for me.  But sometimes, even the best, most well-meaning things can shake my stance a little.  Like sermon messages.  A time when I'm supposed to feel closest to God, and I'm questioning my entire belief system.  How is THAT supposed to work?

Maybe it's good that I'm constantly on edge with my faith.  Maybe that's where we're supposed to be - outside our proverbial "comfort zones" all the time.  Constantly questioning means constantly growing, right?  Always trying to reach a deeper level of understanding, learn just a little bit more about what I base my eternity on.

I'm very careful to never tell anyone faith in God is easy.  It's not - it's the hardest thing you'll ever do.  But it's also the most rewarding, in ways you can't even imagine.  Are you up for it?