Purpose

I've just been washed over with a new sense of contentment and purpose just now, and felt the urge to write about it. :)

Today was a good day. I volunteered at church this morning running projection. It's so nice to be part of the church body again. Greg and I were so involved with His House that I felt a little lost when we were looking for a church home. But now we are involved with Messiah Lutheran, and volunteering with the church, and it's really amazing that my heart is again fulfilled with God in a way I was missing. It's SO nice to find a church home.

I worked on my continuing education for work this afternoon as well. I'm taking a self-study course in order to be a registered paraplanner for work. It's sort of like being a financial planner, but the JV course. I find it a little difficult, since I've never taken a finance class in my life. I've been struggling with the fact that I haven't been using my degree since I graduated (or even before that) and it's been difficult to come to the realization that God wants me to be where I am, whether or not I'm using the degree I'm still paying for. But today, as hard as this course is for me, it was a good thing. I think that broadening my horizons into this new field will eventually help me in ways I can't even think of right now. It's good to learn new things and try new experiences, and if this is where God wants me, who am I to complain?

Also, Greg and I put together our gifts for our niece and nephew (who share the same birthday 7 years apart). Even though I still haven't met them (they live in Florida) it's so nice to have children in the family that we can spoil. I'm the youngest, so I never had that growing up, and it feels nice to be an aunt, even by marriage. :) Plus we have our Compassion Child in Indonesia, and I love getting his letters and drawings. It's a wonderful feeling knowing we are helping God's children.

My last good thing of the night was a message from one of my Facebook friends. She saw this blog again and read an old message I had put up from November, and it touched her once again. She left me a message on Facebook, and I cannot tell you how uplifting it was to read that. Sometimes we wonder why we're here, and if we really are making a difference, and if we should be doing more than what we are doing. At least I do. I sometimes wonder if I should sell my possessions and go be a mission worker in some foreign country. I wonder if I am doing enough to further God's kingdom, or if I am settling for mediocrity in this fallen world. But it's things like this that God blesses me with so He lets me know I am on the right path. And I'm right where God wants me, and I'm doing what He wants me to do. What a wonderful feeling. In a world of uncertainty, little messages like that help me to be centered around my Rock, my Jesus again. And that content feeling is unlike any other.

So I wanted to share that even though I'm still not sure my purpose in life, or if I'm on the right road, I know that God will take care of me. And that's all I need to know. :)

Have a wonderful week everyone!!

Laziness...

I find myself being lazy a lot more now that I'm out of college and super busy at work. I'm coming to this realization this week since, yesterday, Greg was rearranging the basement, vacuuming, etc., and I sat in my chair. All night. lol. Really?

Work has been crazy lately - there is so much to do for me, it seems like I can never get it all done. It's nice to always be busy and it makes the day go by fast, but sometimes it's a little overwhelming. I had to leave early today, so it was nice to just take a break. Hopefully I'll catch up on some things soon!

Maybe tonight I'll do some more sewing. I am excited about the quilt that I am working on now and my next one - I bought some super cute fabric at Joann's on Sunday so that's always a motivating factor. Plus I have an idea for some other fabric that I have, so I'm also very excited about that.

Well nothing much else going on in my life. I wish I had NBC at home so I can watch the Olympics, but oh well. I got to watch curling at my parents' house, which is the one sport I wanted to see, so that was good. :)

I hope everyone is having a great week!!!

Trading my dreams for His

I used to be so good about writing almost every day (and even multiple times a day) in a blog. I wonder what happened to that dedication. In any event, I'm going to try to get back into this. I think it's good for me.

I was driving home yesterday, and there wasn't anything good on the radio. I decided to pick one of my CDs in my car at random and pop it in. It was Casting Crowns' "The Altar and the Door." I almost switched it, because I wasn't sure if that's what I wanted, but I kept it in. And listened. I've heard the CD many times before (Greg got it for me for Christmas 2008) but for some reason, it stuck with me. And I'm still listening to it, over and over again.

I think I've fallen away a little bit from God and my faith. Greg and I went through a bit of a transition after college, where we were caught up in wedding planning, and moving to Midland, and not really having a church "home" together. I think that even if you're not involved with the church you go to, you should at least go to the same one every week. Otherwise, you feel lost. You feel like you don't belong. You feel nomadic, wandering through life without any real roots. We are inherently relational, and need to know, even if no one knows our name, that we can go somewhere each week and it will be familiar.

Well we didn't have that for a long time. That, combined with the fact that my yearly devotional book ended in the new year, caused me to . . . stagnate. Go through life, but not really live it. A situation we all find ourselves in sometimes.

But I think the rediscovery of this CD really is helping me focus back in. Greg and I are getting involved in our home church, Messiah Lutheran. We're praying more together. And I think, finally, we're learning what marriage is all about. When they say that the first year is the hardest, they aren't kidding. Thankfully, we found a great book called Love and War by John and Stasi Eldridge (authors of Captivating and Wild at Heart) that is really insightful. We're only on Chapter 3, and I'd say it's helped our marriage in numerous ways already. God really stepped in when He put that in front of us.

I've been feeling a little lost in my purpose in life lately. It's amazing to be married and share my life with someone else, but what exactly I'm supposed to do with my life is still a mystery to me. I've had some dreams all my life; but are they my purpose? I'm still not sure.

My job has nothing to do with my degree. I have a Bachelor's in English; I work in finance. How did that happen? Is this where I should be? I can't help but believe that I am exactly where God wants me, but sometimes it's difficult to remember that. God wants us in certain places for certain reasons, but sometimes I can't help but wonder. I pray that God shows me when it's time to move on. I love my job and my coworkers and my boss, but is this my true calling? Is this what I was meant to do? I'm not sure.

I participated in National Novel Writing Month in November 2009, and came out with a 5,000 word manuscript; but it didn't feel real. It felt . . . pushed. I always thought I would be an author of some kind, with a focus on novels. Maybe that's not where God wants me. I never reached the length or level of writing I thought I would before that month. Now that I have, it's not all I think it should be. It isn't something that I can't wait to do. Shouldn't it be? I'm wondering if God wants me more for non-fiction. Something real, something I can pour my own experiences into without worrying about whether or not my characters are authentic or the story line is engaging. A book about what I've learned in life, that maybe might help others. I think that might be more of my focus now.

I've also been thinking a lot about sewing. It's been over a year now since I've really gotten into it, and I love it. I make quilts for donation, and a lot for gifts, but I am wondering if this is maybe something that I could start a business with. Make quilts for friends and family at first, build a client base. I never pictured myself a small business owner, but maybe I'd be good at it. It's still something I'll have to do some hard core praying about.

I am excited to fix up the house with Greg. I never knew home ownership could be so trying sometimes, but it's definitely worth it if I can work on it with Greg. I think it's our own mini-adventure that we can take together, something that will grow us closer in a way that I never thought of before.

I guess that leads me to the new title of my blog, and the title of this entry (which I just decided): Trading my dreams for His. God has such BIG plans for all of us, but sometimes we're not sure what those are. And sometimes they may just change for us. We think we know, but we really don't. And that's okay. We didn't fail at the other dreams; they just weren't right for us. What a glorious discovery! It's difficult to let go of a dream you've had since kindergarten, but I'd rather live out God's dreams for me then my own earthly dreams, wouldn't you?

God is incredible and amazing and wonderful and indescribable. I am constantly in awe of His amazing love and awesome power. I pray that I may follow His dreams for me, and, in the process, bring glory to Him and His name. Thank you, Lord, for these amazing revelations. May You provide me guidance and allow me to love You with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength, and use the gifts You have blessed me with to advance Your kingdom.

Never Alone

I've yet to find somewhere that touches me like His House does. :)

Tonight Kyle gave a message on God's will, and when bad things happen to good people. He shared a very inspirational song, with the lyrics:

Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still, my soul
He is

I am constantly in awe of God. I cannot fathom a God like our God. I try not to regret not knowing Him sooner. I know it's better late than never, but oh, how I needed Him in ways I never imagined.

I didn't know it, but my mind was altered in a way that would spiral me into clinical depression during my high school years. I pushed everyone away. Then, one night, my dad was called to a car accident scene (he used to be a firefighter/first responder). He worked the scene all night. The next morning, I found out one of my best coworkers and friends died in that car crash. He was 16 years old.

I'm not sure I've ever felt more alone than in those moments. Those moments lasted weeks for me. And I know it was one of the steps that God placed in my life so I could learn from it, and it was one more step to bring me closer to Him. But at the time, oh, the pain of feeling nothing was more than unbearable.

But I think I was supposed to go through that for a reason. God doesn't do things without a purpose, and I try to remember that. I hope that I can use my experiences to help someone else. Like Kyle said, if I can help one person through my experience, that is totally worth it. And I know that, before God calls me home, I will help people through what I went through.

I just wanted to say this, because it was on my heart after His House. You're not alone. You aren't. You may feel like it, surrounded by friends, or you may feel like it, completely isolated. But you aren't. God is holding you, God is loving you. Let Him in. Let Him love you. I promise, you won't be disappointed.

Words....more words...

3,425 words in to a 50,000 word novel. It doesn't seem like much, huh? But it's day 2, and motivation is lacking already....oh this may be a long month.

Though I am liking where this story is going. I think God definitely has a hand in this one, and he's definitely helping me through. I'm excited to see where this goes.

On another, more germy note, I have been sneezing way more often than usual. Praying this is nothing more than excess mucus somehow and not the flu. Or perhaps an overabundance of pepper and/or dust.

To bed for me - Greg's gone until Friday, I have to work in the morning, and my creative juices need to recharge. More juice for me.

Dreams & the courage to pursue

You hit a certain point a few times in your life where you sit down and think... "What now?"

It's so nice to have my degree, be married, and have a house. It's wonderful to have projects to work on for the house, and it's awesome to have a steady job. Yet, in the back of my mind, I keep thinking about all of the things I told myself I was going to do once I graduated, things I haven't started yet.

Like writing. My lifelong dream, something I haven't done in far too long. Yet there's a great opportunity, since November is National Novel Writing Month. The challenge: 50,000 words in 30 days. Hmmm... that equals 1,667 words per day, 69 words per hour, or about 1.2 words per minute. Broken down it doesn't seem so bad, right? Then why am I so apprehensive about it? Because, since I have a full time job, family, friends, getting involved at church, and other commitments, I'm not sure I can pull it off?

Or, the far more likely option, I am scared that my dream will come true. What's that quote ... "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.... our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond all measure." SO true!! Marianne Williamson is a very wise woman... that quote really gets me sometimes. I need to USE the gifts God has given me instead of hoarding them or thinking I'm not good enough.

So my next step would be to register, then to actually write. But write about what? They say to write about what you know. I suppose that would be a good place to start. I wonder of non-fiction counts in a novel writing challenge. I have a non-fiction idea that I am working on... I wonder if you can start writing beforehand and get a head start. That's probably cheating. =P

But I think I've decided to take this challenge. Like it says on the website (www.nanowrimo.org), it's about quantity, not quality. I just need to get it on paper instead of procrastinating.

I'm also excited to start volunteering. I wanted to volunteer at an animal shelter or something like that, but of course they are only open during business hours, so that was out. I think I would like to volunteer at Covenant or Mid-Michigan, so we'll see. :) I've been sort of focused on me for a while with all that's happened, and I need to start focusing on others and showing them God's love.

So this was sort of introspective. I'm also excited for possibly holding a housewarming party - nothing too fancy, just some time for people to come over and see the new house. Because it would be fun to show it off a little. :)

Well I'm going to read a little in my book (and registering for NaNoWriMo). I have to get up early to visit a client tomorrow for work.... makes for a long day. We'll see how that goes. :)

*Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others* - Marianne Williamson

Ah, the weekend

It's so nice to actually have a weekend. It's been a while, with buying a house, getting married...ya know. Last weekend we painted most of the weekend and Greg worked on the bathroom vent, so there was no real "relaxing" time, if you know what I mean. I never knew owning a house was so much work! =P

This weekend I'm excited for. Today we both got to sleep in, then we are going to Birch Run to do a little shopping, see a movie, and have dinner for Sweetest Day. Even if it wasn't Sweetest Day, we would still be doing all of these things, but it's nice to have an excuse. :) Then tomorrow is church, and probably seeing my parents, who we haven't seen in a while. Plus I need to use my mom's sewing machine. ;)

I'm really excited about this "new" hobby of mine, sewing. I say "new" because I've been doing it since like January with Ashley. :) But I'm finally starting to get really into it. I have my own room, I'm pretty sure I'll get a new sewing machine for Christmas, and I'm eyeing some other equipment (a cutting table, etc.) that looks awesome. I definitely like it a lot more than scrapbooking, which I was into for a while. There isn't enough gratification in scrapbooking for me. lol. That sounds terrible, but I like it when I can do a block (or three) in an evening, or get an entire baby quilt done in five hours. It takes me five hours to do one page in scrapbooking. I keep thinking maybe I'm not doing it right. =P Either way, I have a quilt that I am working on now that I'm excited for, so I think it will be something good for me to do. Who knows, maybe I'll do quilting for people on the side. That would be a lot of fun.

I can't believe Christmas is just around the corner. It's almost Halloween already!! This year has gone by so fast it's unbelievable, but a lot did happen. I'm excited to decorate the house, get our first Christmas tree, send out Christmas cards...yay! Plus we get to see family a lot more, which is nice. I haven't seen my brother and sis-in-law since my wedding, so it's been a while. They are in Indiana for their jobs - that dynamic is definitely interesting. But either way, hopefully we'll see them this holiday season.

I was going to write an impromtu poem at the end of this post, but I am not feeling inspired. I just cleaned the kitchen and did a load of laundry....that's not very inspiring stuff. ;) Maybe I should get out my creative writing books and look for a prompt.

Have a great weekend!!!

*Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. - Psalm 27:14